[Note: Many quotes from songs, TV shows, and movies appear elsewhere on this site—in other quote categories—instead of in this category.]
Its a long way to haul all the traps youve trawled
When you could just stop and let go
Damien Rice, Long Long Way
You could be my poison, my cross,
My razor blade
I could love you more than life
If I wasnt so afraid
Of what it all could be
What it all, what it all could be
Of what it all, what it all could be
Damien Rice, My Favourite Faded Fantasy
Come, come along
Come with sorrows and songs
Come however you are
Just come, come along
Damien Rice, Trusty and True
Whats the point of singing songs
If theyll never even hear you?
Sufjan Stevens, Eugene
Do I care if I survive this?
Sufjan Stevens, The Only Thing
Should I tear my eyes out now?
Everything I see returns to you somehow
Should I tear my heart out now?
Everything I feel returns to you somehow
So can we be friends sweetly
Before the mystery ends?
I love you more than the world can contain
In its lonely and ramshackle head
Theres only a shadow of me; in a manner of speaking Im dead
Sufjan Stevens, Beloved My John
...so Ill carry on
Counting my cards down to one
And when I am dead, come visit my bed
My fossil is bright in the sun
My souls an amputee
And my bleeding heart is sinking in the lake inside my chest
So I grab what I can cling to and I leave behind the rest
Josh Woodward, Ill Be Right Behind You, Josephine
And Jesus Christ, if you tore my heart out
The only thing Id feel is less alone
If youve still got some light in you then go before its gone
burn your fire for no witness
its the only way its done
Angel Olsen, White Fire
Well be there when we get there
Either way youre here with me
So let it be, let it be, let it be
Right Away, Great Captain! When I Met Death
What we once were
Now we are not
Sinéad OConnor, Hold Back the Night
I miss you, but Im glad youre gone
I want you but Im not alone
Im haunted by you
But Ill get you gone
if it takes me all my life long
Sinéad OConnor, What Doesnt Belong To Me
We always had time on our sides but now its fading fast. OMD,
If You Leave
Boys are like lumps of coal—theyre dirty and cheap and they get hot when theyre rubbed. And some turn into diamonds. So collect as many as you can. Becca Tobin, in Glee
Ill tell you what: being nice is knackering. Its much easier to be horrible. Laila Morse, in EastEnders
and all the while Ill know were fucked, and not getting un-fucked soon. The Antlers, Bear
Well, no ones gonna fix it for us, no one can. You say that, No ones gonna listen, and no one understands. So theres no open doors, and theres no way to get through, theres no other witnesses, just us two. The Antlers, Two
One makes whatever revolution one can, each in their own way. Mircea Andreescu, in 12:08 East of Bucharest
If I find my way, how much will I find? Joseph Arthur, In the Sun
Everything comes if you just let it be. Glen Hansard, Trying To Pull Myself Away
There were phrases of Beethovens 9th symphony that still made Coe cry. He always thought it had to do with the circumstances of the composition itself. He imagined Beethoven, deaf and soul-sick, his heart broken, scribbling furiously while Death stood in the doorway, clipping his nails. Still, Coe thought, it might have been living in the country that was making him cry; it was killing him with its silence and loneliness, making everything ordinary too beautiful to bear. Aaron Staton, in Mad Men (episode: Signal 30)
I lived low enough so the moon wouldnt waste its light on me. Jason Molina, Get Out, Get Out, Get Out
This house cant stand the storm and you know that youre not safe here; through any crack in the floor, water pours. Orenda Fink, Why Is the Night Sad?
That thing should’ve said, “If this van’s a-rockin’, I’m being murdered.” Chi McBride, in Pushing Daisies, after finding a dead mime in a van with a “mimes do it with imagination” sticker on its bumper
Well, we’re all wounded. We carry our wounds around with us through life and eventually they kill us. Things happen that leave a mark in space, in time. In us. –Rachel Griffiths, in Six Feet Under
There’s only one thing for certain. Everything changes. –ditto
You both look so happy. Just enjoy it while it lasts. Which isn’t very long. You think you have forever, but you don’t. Soon you start to get on each other’s nerves. Then you don’t tell the other person as much as you used to, ’cause, really, what’s the point? You thought they understood you, but they never did, not really. Finally, not only do you not tell the other person anything real, you actively start lying to him. And then when you think it can’t get any worse, he up and dies! No matter what you do, you end up alone. Not knowing who you are or what you really want! –Frances Conroy, in Six Feet Under
Is it me? Is it like I have a beacon that only dogs and men with severe emotional problems can hear? –Courteney Cox, in Friends
Please leave your taste on my tongue. Schuyler Fisk and Joshua Radin, Paperweight
Monday, humiliation; Tuesday, suffocation; Wednesday, condescension; Thursday is pathetic; by Friday, life has killed me. By Friday, life has killed me. Morrissey, I Have Forgiven Jesus
Here youll find despair and I calling to you with whats left of my heart, my heart, forevermore. Morrissey, Come Back to Camden
Oh, when will this tired heart stop beating? Morrissey, Im Not Sorry
She told me she loves me, which means she must be insane. Morrissey, How Could Anybody Possibly Know How I Feel?
Even Isick and depraved, a traveler to the graveI would never be you. ditto
You have never been in love until youve seen sunlight thrown over smashed human bones. Morrissey, First of the Gang to Die
Youre not right in the head, and nor am I, and this is why I like you. Morrissey, I Like You
The land of the free, they said
And of opportunity
In a just and a truthful way
But where the president is never black, female, or gay.
Morrissey, America Is not the World
When your dreams are on a train to Trainwreck Town, then I ask you now: whats a girl to do? Bat for Lashes, Whats a Girl to Do
Im not sorry I met you, Im not sorry its over, Im not sorry theres nothing to say. Stars, Your Ex-Lover Is Dead
Live through this and you wont look back. ditto
Would you say that the one of your dreams got in you and ripped out the seams? Thats what Id say. Elliott Smith, Half Right
Ill find my way back to youplease say youll be waiting. Tracy Chapman, Change
Youre eating my heart away and theres nothing much left of me. Cat Stevens, Trouble
Its all enchanted and wild; its just like my heart said it was going to be. Nickle Creek, Out of the Woods
I wont be broken again, I wontI wont fall apart. Madonna, Gone
Letting go is not my thing. ditto
I’m like King Midas in reverse. Everything I touch turns to shit. James Gandolfini, in The Sopranos
There’s an old Italian saying: you fuck up once, you lose two teeth. ditto
Is everyone in my life fuckin’ bananas? ditto
Jamie-Lynn Siegler [on the phone]: Is Dad there?
Edie Falco: He’s out back by the grill.
JLS: Burning a cross?
in The Sopranos
She’s so fat, her blood type is Ragu. Steve Van Zandt, in The Sopranos
Waking up without you is like drinking from an empty cup. –Damien Rice, “The Animals Were Gone”
Let me out of this hell when you’re around. –Damien Rice, “Rootless Tree”
Sometimes it seems like we’re all living in some kind of prison. And the crime is how much we hate ourselves. It’s good to ... admit the truth: that when you really look closely? People are so strange and so complicated that they’re actually beautiful. Possibly even me. –Claire Danes, in My So-Called Life
The worst feeling is suddenly realizing that you don’t measure up. And that, in the past, when you thought you did, you were a fool. –ditto
It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia quotes
Dennis: I hate listening to people’s dreams. It is like flipping through a stack of photographs. If I’m not in any of them and nobody is having sex, what’s the point?
Dee: I have a little bit of a problem with old people...I find them kinda
creepy...and scary. And gross, kinda gross. It’s their hands, really, you can
see right through ’em and all their inside business.
Charlie: OK, OK. First of all, there are people out there who actually have
been molested and you guys are going to exploit that for your own personal gain?
You assholes are securing your places in hell.
Ryan: We’ve thought about it. We’re willing to roll the dice.
Ari Frankel: Just go get the dog.
Frank: I don’t have the dog.
Ari Frankel: So you’ve been in here tearing apart pillows and... pooping...on the floor?
Frank: [long pause] Yes.
Dennis: Hi. Im a recovering crack head. This is my retarded sister that I take care of. Id like some welfare, please.
Brianna: You look like a Holocaust victim in pageant makeup.
Sweet Dee: I will eat your babies, bitch!
Charlie: Here’s a confession: I’m in love with a man. What? I’m in love with a man...a man named God. Does that make me gay? Am I gay for God? You betcha.
Charlie: You know what, dude, hear me out for a second, okay. Now technically, that stain did appear to me. Also, I am familiar with carpentry and I don’t know who my father is. So, am I the messiah? I don’t know, I could be, I’m not ruling it out.
Frank: There is nothing more threatening to a man than a woman who is smart
and attractive. We have to pretend you’re both!
Dee: Wow, you’re a horrible father.
Frank: When we get out of this, I’m gonna shove my fist right into your ass, hard and fast...Not in the sexual way! In the I am pissed off sort of way.
[In a retirement home]
Mac: These places are like prison.
Frank: Like people getting their ass raped?
Charlie: What? Oh my God, no one’s getting ass raped, Frank! Come on, man!
Mac: No, its just that people dont wanna be here, because they feel like...
Frank: Because they’re getting their ass raped!
Charlie: [singing] Night Man, sneaky and mean. Spider inside my dreams, I think
I love you. You make me want to cry, you make me want to die. I love you, I
love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, Night Man. Every night you come
into my room and pin me down with your strong arms, And pin me down and I try
to fight you, You come inside me and fill me up and I become the Night Man.
Mac: Whoa, whoa, whoa, Charlie. Hang on a second. I mean the first half of that song was kind of cool, but what’s with the second half?
Charlie: It’s about the Night Man, like, you know, like filling me up, and I become him, I become the spirit of the Night Man.
Mac: But it sounds like a song where a man breaks into your house and rapes you.
Charlie: What, dude? Where are you getting that from? Alright [resumes singing]. It’s just two men sharing the night. It might seem wrong, but it’s just right. It’s just two men sharing each other. It’s just two men like lovin’ brothers. One on top, and one on bottom. One inside, and one is out. One is screaming he’s so happy and the other’s screaming a passionate shout. It’s the Night Man. The feeling so wrong and right man, the feeling so wrong and right man. I can’t fight you man when you come inside me and pin me down with your strong hands and I become the Night... the passionate, passionate Night Man.
Mac: We need a new front man.
Frank: ... Because drawing a confession out of someone is like doing a beautiful dance a beautiful dance with a chainsaw.
Mac: The police? The streets are flooded with the ejaculate of the homeless and you people are counting on the police?!
Dee: What are you expecting to find?
Frank: Lot of shady shit.
Dee: Like what?
Frank: Like maybe Bruce is banging dudes!
Dee: Why would that be shady?
Frank: Maybe the dudes are babies!
Dee: What?! Bruce is not banging any baby dudes!!
Charlie: Wait, wait, wait...Check his pulse.
Dee: He doesn’t have a head, Charlie!
The Office quotes
Dwight: I never smile if I can help it. Showing ones teeth is a submission signal in primates. When someone smiles at me, all I see is a chimpanzee begging for its life.
Dwight: The Schrutes have their own traditions. We usually marry standing in our own graves.
Jan: I am taking a calculated risk. Whats the upside? I overcome my nausea, fall deeply in love, babies, normalcy, no more self-loathing. Whats the downside? I date Michael Scott publicly and collapse on myself like a dying star.
Creed: [on Jans boob job] I find it offensive. Au naturale, baby, thats how I like em. Swing low sweet chariots.
Kevin: I just want to lie on the beach and eat hot dogs. Thats all Ive ever wanted.
Michael: My point is my point is, a peniswhen seen in the right contextis the most wonderful sight for a woman. But in the wrong context it is like a monster movie.
Michael: Nobody likes to be flashed. When Meredith flashed me at that Christmas party I nearly vomited. –Steve Carrell
Ryan: Yeah, Im not a temp anymore. I got Jims old job, which means at my 10-year anniversary it will not say Ryan Howard is a temp. It will say Ryan Howard is a junior sales associate at a mid-range paper supply firm. Thatll show em.
Michael: Yes, it is true: I, Michael Scott, am signing up with an online dating service. Thousands of people have done it and I am going to do it. I need a username and I have a great one. Little Kid Lover. That way people will know exactly where my priorities are at.
Michael: Would I rather be feared or loved? Um, easy, both. I want people to be afraid of how much they love me.
Creed: Im not offended by homosexuality. In the 60s I made love to many, many womenoften outdoors in the mud and the rainand its possible that a man slipped in. Thered be no way of knowing.
Michael: Happy Birthday, Jesus. Sorry your party’s so lame.
Dwight: Let me describe the perfect date. I take her out to a nice dinner. She looks amazing. Some guy tries to hit on her. Now he wants to fight, so I grab him. I throw him into the jukebox! Then, the other ninja’s got a knife. He comes at me, we grapple, I turn his knife on him. Blood on the dance floor! She’s scared now. I take her home. I’m holding her in my arms. I reach in for a kiss, I hear something in the leaves, I flip her around, she gets a poison arrow right in her back. She was in on it the whole time, but I knew.
Dwight: I have been Michael’s number two guy for about five years, and we make a great team. We’re like one of those classic famous teams. He’s like Mozart and I’m like Mozart’s friend. No, I’m like Butch Cassidy and Michael is like Mozart. You try and hurt Mozart, you’re gonna get a bullet in your head, courtesy of Butch Cassidy.
Dwight: It’s a nice little farm. Sometimes teenagers use it for sex.
Michael: The “Busiest Beaver”Award goes to PHYLLIS! LAPIN! Yeah! Way to go,
Phyllis, nice work, per usual.
Phyllis: This says “Bushiest Beaver.”
Michael: I told them busiest—idiots!
Jim: Just have Dwight punch you.
Michael: Well, that would be kinda worthless because I know a ton of 14-year-old girls who can kick his ass.
Jim: You know a ton of 14-year-old girls?
Phyllis: Could you mean vagina? ’Cause if you do, I want that covered.
Dwight: I thought your vagina was removed during your hysterectomy.
Phyllis: A uterus is different from a vagina. I still have a vagina.
Michael: Last week I would’ve given a kidney to anyone in this office. I would’ve reached right into my stomach and pulled it out for them. But now, no. I don’t have the relationship with these people that I thought I did. I hope they ask, so they can hear me say, “Uh, no, I only give my organs to my real friends. Go get yourself a monkey kidney.”
Toby: The simple solution would be to open a window. If we had windows that could open.
Dwight: If a vampire bat was in the US, it would make sense for it to come to a “-sylvania.” Like Penn-sylvania. Now that doesn’t mean that Jim is going to become a vampire. Only that he carries the vampiric germ.
Dwight: I don’t have a lot of experience with vampires. But I have hunted werewolves. I shot one once, but by the time I got to it, it had turned back into my neighbor’s dog.
Dwight: Extraordinary events call for extraordinary actions. We form an allegiance...
Dwight: ...to use sudden violence.
Dwight: Do you have the tools to turn a wooden mop handle into a stake?
Creed: What size?
Michael: Check out the new car. German engineering? How many pesos that set
Oscar: It’s a company lease from the settlementafter you kissed me.
Michael: I have an idearainbow stickersall over the back window. Shout it from the mountain tops my friend!
Oscar [to camera]: Part of me wants the people of this office to have learned their lesson and just shut the hell up. And another part of me thinks, you know what, keep talking, I’d really love a home theater.
Kelly: So how much do you love Lance Bass now?
Oscar: I don’t know who he is.
Kelly: You don’t know who Lance Bass is? He’s only one of the five greatest singers ever...and gay.
Oscar: I’ve never heard of him.
Kelly: Oscar, you really should learn more about your culture.
Todd Packer: Mike, okay, a stripper is “Bachelor Party 101.” If you don’t get
a stripper your party is gonna suck.
Michael: I can’t get a stripper here. Sexual harassment.
Todd: Get one for the girls, too. That evens it out. You know, separate but equal.
Michael: So that’s what that means.
Michael: Okay, coed naked strippers in this office. For realsies.
Angela: Under no circumstance should a man strip off his clothes in this office.
Meredith: SHUT UP, ANGELA!
Dwight [ordering stripper]: Ruddy cheeks, thick calves, no tats, no moles. No tats. No, TATS. Of course I want tits.
Michael: We’re going to have a guys night out. A GNO. A guhno. Actually it’s more of a guys afternoon in, a GAI. A gay. It’s not gay. It’s a bridal shower for guys. A guy shower. An hour-long shower with guys.
Michael: Wikipedia is the best thing ever. Anyone in the world can write anything they want about any subject, so you know you are getting the best possible information.
Michael: There are four kinds of business: tourism, food service, railroads, and sales. And hospitals slash manufacturing. And air travel.
Angela: Poop is raining from the ceilings. Poop!
Dwight: I never let anyone walk behind me; seven out of 10 attacks are from the rear.
Michael: Fine! Have your party! Just no guests!
Phyllis: But we invited guests.
Michael: Well, you know what, Phyllis? All of your guests would have probably cancelled at the last minute anyway, leaving your life a stupid rotten mess.
Kevin: I had Martin explain to me three times what he got arrested for because it sounds an awful lot like what I do here every day.
Dwight: I am greatly concerned about having a convict in the office. And I do not care if that convict is white, black, Asian, German, or some kind of halfsie. I do not like criminals.
Dwight: When my mother was pregnant with me they did an ultrasound and found she was having twins. When they did another ultrasound a few weeks later they discovered that I had reabsorbed the other fetus. Do I regret this? No. I believe his tissue has made me stronger. I now have the strength of a grown man and a little baby.
Michael: I lost Ed Truck and it feels like somebody took my heart and dropped it into a bucket of boiling tears. And at the same time somebody else is hitting my soul in the crotch with a frozen sledgehammer. And then a third guy walks in and starts punching me in the grief-bone. And Im crying and nobody can hear me because I am terribly, terribly, terribly alone.
Dwight: Reject a woman and she will never let it go. One of the many defects of their kind. Also, weak arms.
Michael: You dont call retarded people retards. Its bad taste. You call your friends retardswhen theyre acting retarded. And I consider Oscar a friend.
Michael: Dwight, what the hell are you reading?
Dwight: These are cautionary tales for kids, my grandma used to read
Michael: No, no, no, no. The kids dont want to hear some weirdo book that your Nazi-war-criminal grandmother gave you.
i fear nothing
please don’t touch me
love is like an infant trying to stand up
am i two souls
one hard, one whole
am i real
i don’t want to feel anything
i feel nothing
beside this pain
please don’t watch me
love is like an infant
scared and crawling.
–Toad the Wet Sprocket, “torn”
This dress exacerbates the genetic betrayal that is my legacy. –Janeane Garofalo, in Romy and Michele’s High School Reunion
I kissed your mouth and back
But that’s all I need
–Damien Rice, “Volcano”
You give me miles and miles of mountains
And I’ll ask for the sea
Still a little bit of your taste in my mouth
still a little bit of your face I haven’t kissed.
–Damien Rice, “Cannonball”
Stones taught me to fly
Love taught me to lie
Life taught me to die
So it’s not hard to fall
When you float like a cannonball
You know when you’ve found it,
There’s something I’ve learned
’Cause you feel it when they take it away
–Damien Rice, “Amie”
Cold, cold water surrounds me now
And all I’ve got is your hand
Lord, can you hear me now?...
Or am I lost?
–Damien Rice, “Cold Water”
Come all ye lost
Dive into moss
I hope that my sanity covers the cost
To remove the stain of my love
Come all ye reborn
Blow off my horn
I’m driving real hard
This is love, this is porn
God will forgive me
But I, I whip myself with scorn, scorn
And I wanna hear what you have to say about me
Hear if you’re gonna live without me
I wanna hear what you want
What the hell do you want?
–Damien Rice, “I Remember”
Maitre d’: Good evening, sir, and how are we today?
Mr. Creosote: Better.
Maitre d’: Better?
Mr. Creosote: Better get a bucket. I’m gonna throw up.
–in “Monty Python’s The Meaning of Life
That’s not a good enough offer for me. –Renee Zellweger, in Bridget Jones’s Diary, when Hugh Grant told her that they belonged together (after cheating on her)
I’m not a gentleman; I just don’t want to hump a crazy girl. –a character played by Aries Spears, in Mad TV
She said: “Go to him, stay with him—but be prepared to bleed.” –Joni Mitchell, “A Case of You”
There’s something about Sunday night that really makes you want to kill yourself. –(?), on My So-Called Life
There’s no shame in being a pariah. –Marge Simpson
Homer Simpson: Kids, kids. I’m not going to die. That only happens to bad people.
Bart Simpson: What about Abraham Lincoln?
Homer: Uh, he sold poison milk to school children.
–in The Simpsons
Look Smithers, a bird has become petrified and lost its sense of direction. –Mr. Burns, in The Simpsons, when a rock flies through his office window
I didn’t think it was physically possible, but this both sucks and blows. –Bart Simpson, while watching a faculty talent show
No jury in the world is going to convict a baby. Maybe Texas. –Clancy Wiggum, in The Simpsons
Heehee! Look at this country! “You are gay.” –Homer Simpson, after seeing Uruguay on a map
Trying is just the first step toward failure. –Homer Simpson
If something’s hard, then it’s not worth doing. –ditto
Well, I hope you’ve learnt your lesson, Lisa: never help anyone. –ditto
Maybe, just once, someone will call me “sir” without adding, “you’re making a scene.” –ditto
I’m just keeping up with my [birthday] tradition of gut-wrenching misery and horror. –Sarah Michelle Gellar, in Buffy the Vampire Slayer
When I’m with a boy I like I can’t say anything cool, or witty—or at all. I can usually make a few vowel sounds, and then I have to go away. –Alyson Hannigan, in Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Men are evil. Will you go with me? –Emma Caulfield, inviting Nicholas Brendon to the prom, in Buffy
No, brainless, in torture, death, and chaos does my power lie. Clare Kramer, in Buffy, when her minion asked her if her power lay in mercy
Nicholas Brendon: Does anyone remember when Saturday night meant date night?
Charisma Carpenter: You sure don’t.
I’m gonna give you all a nice, fun, normal evening if I have to kill every person on the face of the Earth to do it. –Sarah Michelle Gellar, in Buffy
People don’t fall in love with what’s right in front of them. People want the dream—what they can’t have. The more unattainable, the more attractive. –Nicholas Brendan, in Buffy
Alyson Hannigan: Well, you know, I have a choice. I can spend my life waiting
for Xander to go out with every other girl in the world until he notices me.
Or I can just get on with my life.
Sarah Michelle Gellar: Good for you.
AH: Well, I didn’t choose yet.
Testosterone is a great equalizer. It turns all men into morons. –Anthony Stewart Head, in Buffy
Well, I sort of test well, you know, which is cool. Except that it leads to jobs. –Seth Green, in Buffy
You know, I always say that a day without an autopsy is like a day without sunshine. –Sarah Michelle Gellar, in Buffy
There are things I will not tolerate: students loitering on campus after school, horrible murders with hearts being removed. And also smoking. –Armin Shimerman, in Buffy
You’re not friends. You’ll never be friends. You’ll be in love ’til it kills you both. You’ll fight, and you’ll shag, and you’ll hate each other ’til it makes you quiver, but you’ll never be friends. Real love isn’t brains, children. It’s blood. It’s blood screaming inside you to work its will. I may be love’s bitch, but at least I’m man enough to admit it. –James Marsters, in Buffy
I laugh in the face of danger. Then I hide until it goes away. –Nicholas Brendon, in Buffy
I wish dating was like slaying. You know, simple, direct, stake through the heart, no muss, no fuss. –ditto
Where are you from? The country of white trash? –ditto
Ho-Hos are a vital part of my cognitive process. –ditto
Anthony Head: I have a friend who’s coming to town, and I’d like us to be alone.
Emma Caulfield: Oh, you mean an orgasm friend?
Anthony Head: Yes, that’s exactly the most appalling thing you could have said.
If we could live without passion, maybe we would know peace. But we’d be hollow. –David Boreanaz, in Buffy
Why breathe? –Sara Gilbert, in Roseanne
Oh man, I feel like I’m in the middle of a really bad Afterschool Special. –ditto, upon getting offered a joint
What a beautiful day—the kind of day that starts with a hearty breakfast and ends with a newsreader saying, “...before turning the gun on himself.” –John Goodman, in Roseanne
Whoa! Where you going in those pants? 1982? –Courteney Cox, in Friends
all we want is a head rush
all we want is to get out of our skin for a while
we have nothing to lose because we don’t have anything
anything we want anyway
we used to hate people
now we just make fun of them
it’s more effective that way
we don’t live
we just scratch on day to day
with nothing but matchbooks and sarcasm in our pockets
and all we are waiting for is for something worth waiting for
let’s admit America gets the celebrities we deserve
let’s stop saying “don’t quote me”because if no one quotes you
you probably haven’t said a thing worth saying
we need something to kill the pain of all that nothing inside
we all just want to die a little bit
we fear that pop culture is the only culture we’re ever going to have
we want to stop reading magazines
stop watching tv
stop caring about hollywood
but we’re addicted to the things we hate
we don’t run washington and no one really does
ask not what you can do for your country
ask what your country did to you
the only reason you’re still alive is because someone
has decided to let you live
we owe so much money we’re not broke we’re broken
we’re so poor we can’t even pay attention
so what do you want
you want to be famous and rich and happy
but you’re terrified you have nothing to offer this world
nothing to say and no way to say it
but you can say it in three languages
you are more than the sum of what you consume
desire is not an occupation
you are ultimately thrilled and desperate
skyhigh and fucked
let’s stop praying for someone to save us and start saving ourselves
let’s stop this and start over
let’s go out—let’s keep going
this is your life—this is your fucking life
we need something to kill the pain of all that nothing inside
quit whining you haven’t done anything wrong because frankly
you haven’t done much of anything
someone’s writing down your mistakes
someone’s documenting your downfall
I get angry when I go without sleep. –Sandra Oh, in Grey’s Anatomy
We’re adults. When did that happen? And how do we make it stop? –Ellen Pompeo, in Grey’s Anatomy
At the end of the day faith is a funny thing. It turns up when you don’t really expect it. It’s like one day you realize that the fairy tale may be slightly different than you dreamed. The castle, well, it may not be a castle. And it’s not so important [that it’s] happy ever after, just that it’s happy right now. See, once in a while, once in a blue moon, people will surprise you, and once in a while people may even take your breath away. –ditto
Intimacy is a four syllable word for, “Here’s my heart and soul, please grind them into hamburger, and enjoy.” It’s both desired, and feared. Difficult to live with, and impossible to live without. Intimacy also comes attached to the three Rs: relatives, romance, and roommates. There are some things you can’t escape. And other things you just don’t want to know. –ditto
But really, let’s face it, all other days bow down to the 25th: Christmas. It’s the only religious holiday that’s also a Federal holiday. That way Christians can go to their services and everyone else can stay home and reflect on the true meaning of Separation of Church and State. –Samantha Bee, in The Daily Show
[Madonna is giving a speech in Israel]
Madonna: At first I was hesitant about coming here. But since I have been here, I have realized that Israel is no more dangerous than New York City.
Jon Stewart: We have got to get the fuck out of New York City, man.
–The Daily Show
[regarding a new prescription drug-dispensing ATM] Wow, that will save a lot of time, because old people are whizzes when it comes to new technology! –a Contributor in the Daily Show’s “Back in Black” segment
Across the nation, thousands of people are lining up in hospital waiting rooms, out the doors, down the steps, around the corners, and behind the hedges, waiting for their inoculations. Here’s another idea for avoiding the flu: don’t stand outside in the cold for hours around lots of other people. –Jon Stewart, in The Daily Show
Rob Corddry: Tonight the vice president is standing by his decision to shoot
Harry Wittington. According to the best intelligence available, there were quail
hidden in the brush. Everyone believed at the time there were quail in the brush.
And while the quail turned out to be a 78-year-old man, even knowing that today,
Mr. Cheney insists he still would have shot Mr. Whittington in the face. He
believes the world is a better place for his spreading buckshot throughout the
entire region of Mr. Whittington’s face.
Jon Stewart: But why, Rob? If he had known Mr. Whittington was not a bird, why would he still have shot him?
RC: In a post-9/11 world, the American people expect their leaders to be decisive. To not have shot his friend in the face would have sent a message to the quail that America is weak.
–The Daily Show
The Osbournes quotes
I love you all. I love you more than life itself, but you’re all fucking mad. –Ozzy
Ozzy: He’s up in his room planning his future.
Sharon: The only thing he’s planning is his next wank; whether he’s going to use his left hand or his right hand.
Ozzy: What’s in your hair, Kel? Chewing gum or something?
Kelly: It’s a flower.
Ozzy: Oh, I thought it was chewing gum.
[to her cat, after a vet appointment]: You were violated, Puss. He shoved something up your bum. –Kelly
I don’t mind a little fucking Pomeranian turd, but when that fucking bulldog unloads, you got to get an earth-mover and a fucking gas mask to go in the kitchen; it’s like fucking plutonium turds. –Ozzy
Lola. Lola, you fucking dummy! –Sharon
Lola, you’re a shithead! –Sharon
Ozzy: SHARON! I’m stuck on the fucking Baking Channel!
Sharon: It’s the Cooking Channel, Ozzy.
Ozzy: No, it’s the Baking Channel; there’s two old hags baking fucking bread.
Sharon: The virgin Mary speaks to me. She says you must go to Tiffany. And on the way, stop at Cartier. –
[preparing to go on MTV’s TRL]
Kelly: I know I can’t say “Fuck”—I have to behave myself.
Ozzy: You can’t say what? Terrible, isn’t it, how children speak these days?
Kelly: But I learnt from you, Dad.
Ozzy: You learnt from the best, baby.
I’m not picking up another turd. I’m a rock star. –Ozzy
Ozzy: We did a great job with that gravy.
[a minute later]
Ozzy: We did a great job with that gravy.
Sharon: We’re going to hear about this fucking gravy for the next year.
International rock star—gravy maker extraordinaire. –Ozzy
[trying to stop Ozzy from throwing wood through the neighbors’ window] Ozzy, stop. Ozzy. Ozzy, no no no no no, here’s the fruit! Ozzy, not the wood, you could be picked up for manslaughter! –Sharon
[after throwing a lump of wood through his neighbors’ window when they won’t turn down their music] Too late for the window! –Ozzy
Kelly: You are the only person who hasn’t heard a single word I’ve said!
Ozzy: Can I explain something? You haven’t been standing in front of 50 billion decibels for the past thirty years; leave me a note!
[about sister Aimee]
Kelly: I’m going to book her a fucking breath test. Because her breath smells like shit all the time.
Ozzy: Oh......... beam me up, Scotty.
[unable to figure out his new remote control]: Weather in Afghanistan, 2000 degrees and cloudy. What the fuck am I doing? I’m stuck on the Weather Channel. AHHH! –Ozzy
[Ozzy has complained about the lack of water pressure in the shower]
Sharon: In California they make you put this thing inside the shower head. It restricts the water flow to save on water. As soon as the camera people fuck off we’ll take it off!
Ozzy: No, no, no, Sharon, we won’t break the law. No we won’t—no we won’t break the law, Sharon!
[a bubble machine is set up at his concert] Bubbles? Oh come on, Sharon, I’m fucking Ozzy Osbourne, the prince of fucking darkness. Evil, evil? What’s fucking evil about bubbles? –Ozzy
[one of the pets peed on the carpet yet again]
Ozzy: Who pissed? Who pissed on my fucking carpet? That bastard fuckin’ dog, man, I’m going to throw you in the fucking pool! YOU!! Get the fuck out of my house! Get the fuck outta here! It’s a fucking terrorist, it’s one of bin Laden’s gang. Why’d they do it, Sharon? Why’d they do it, man?
Sharon: They like to piss on fucking antique carpets, so what can I tell?
[to Kelly]: Every time I mention the vagina doctor, you get this little smirk on your face. What have you been up to? –Ozzy
[regarding limos] I hate these fucking stretch bastards junk pimp mobiles! –Ozzy
You don’t need to hire a dog therapist, you just need to wake up at 7 am and open the fucking door! –Ozzy
Martha Stewart can lick my scrotum! Do I have a scrotum? –Sharon
All you have to do is say “Fuck Off” when the vagina doctor calls. –Ozzy
It’s like Dr. Doolittle in this fucking house here. –Ozzy
Kelly: You’re so fucking violent.
Ozzy and Jack: Shut up!
Ozzy: I feel like I’m invisible.
Kelly: Oh, shut up!
[Jack has to attend a camping trip with his class]
Kelly: They make you, like, feed a tree before you feed yourself.
Ozzy: How the fuck you feed a tree? What...you put a ham sandwich on the tree?
Sharon: What’s the difference between Roy Rogers and Will Rogers?
Kelly: Yeah, that’s what I was wondering!! Who the fuck is Will Rogers?
Sharon: Kelly just called from the pet shop.
Ozzy: No! No! Forget it! No!
Sharon: Aren’t you interested?
Ozzy: If it’s a living thing, no.
[on the family bulldog] Don’t get me wrong, sweetheart, I adore Lola. She don’t like me, she’s trying to destroy me. –Ozzy
[after putting quarters in his own slot machine] I just won! –Ozzy
No, don’t you start fucking singing, the fucking birds will die. –Ozzy
My teeth, my car, my vagina, my business. –Kelly
[Sharon pisses in the bottle of alcohol she finds in underaged Jack’s room] She’s pissing in the bottle, just like when she shit in Dad’s bag of weed in Hawaii. –Kelly
[to his neighbors, playing music at all hours]: I have to get up, really fucking early, and I’m trying to but you’re up at 2 in the morning playing “The Whole Fucking World in my Fucking Hands!” –Jack
[regarding the revelation of Jack’s dope smoking] Dude, we have known about your dope problem for a long while now. I mean, don’t you think I know what it means when you phone for a pizza at 12 o’clock at night? –Ozzy
Do I look like Ricky Martin on a day off in this jacket? –Ozzy
[to Jack at the family meeting] Dude, stop smoking that dope shit. It ain’t gonna lead to anywhere but bad places, look at me—you’ll see that. –Ozzy
[speaking about the dog therapist] I think she’s a fucking fruit loop. –Ozzy
Melinda: Good on ya, mate.
Jack: Don’t use that Australian pig Latin on me.
[on the phone to Sharon, about Kelly’s tattoo] It’s not that bad. I thought she was going to show me a picture of ummmm... an eagle on her arse or something. –Ozzy
[to Sharon]: Merry Christmas, baby. Another fucking year. I adore you, sweetheart. Now, fuck off. –Ozzy
Kelly: Do you want to know why Fred Durst is moving to England? Because nobody hates him there.
Sharon: They soon fucking will.
Jack: When dad finds out about the cat, he’s going to go fucking ape.
Sharon: He’s not going to find out about the cat.
[Ozzy has just seen the new cat]
[after finding a pack of cigarettes] This shit will kill you faster than crack! –Ozzy
Melinda: Jack got home at twenty past four and I was vomiting with fear. The thing is, is that I was worried sick, Ozzy, that he was fucking dead.
Big daddy’s just fed up with the bullshit. –Ozzy
Mum, Aimee wears a thong every single day and right now she is wearing a thong of mine. So it’s been up my crack and now it’s up her crack, and I’m not down with that. –Kelly
[Ozzy and Sharon are kissing]
Kelly: Ew, stop it!
Ozzy: Why? we’re married. I bet you do it when you go out.
Kelly: No, I don’t think so.
Sharon: Oh, yes, you do.
[Ozzy and Sharon start kissing again]
Kelly: Ugh, please spare me! Seriously.
Ozzy: What’s wrong with it?!
Kelly: You’re too old.
Sharon: Oh, thanks, Kel.
Ozzy: That’s very nice. You wait until you’re fifty..... fifty.... how old am I again, Sharon?
Ozzy: Did you catch the person?
Sharon: Oh, yeah.
Ozzy: What happened to him?
Sharon: I told him I was going to cut his dick off and shove it down his throat.
[regarding her cancer] I’m not ready to croak yet. And definitely not with a wig on. –Sharon
I like warming my butt by the fire. –Ozzy
This is a gold filling and it was in my mouth and it took ten days to pass through my body. That’s been a long way. –Sharon
Kelly, in 48 hours your life has been so eventful. I haven’t even taken a shit in 48 hours. –Sharon
[regarding Kelly’s new boyfriend] What a fucking nerdy name: Bert. –Ozzy
[after Jack breaks his elbow jumping off a pier] What do you think you are, a fucking bird? –Sharon
[after Kelly throws a lid from a bottle at his head] You should play darts! –Ozzy
Matt LeBlanc: Look, I kinda had a dream, but I don’t want to talk about it.
Matthew Perry: Now what if Martin Luther King had said that? “Yeah I kinda had a dream. I—I don’t want to talk about it.”
Matt LeBlanc: “Heads” should be ducks, because ducks have heads.
Matthew Perry: What kind of scary-ass clowns came to your birthday parties?
–in Friends, flipping a coin to choose between “ducks” and “clowns”
We’re not going to some white-collar resort prison. No, no, no! We’re going to federal POUND ME IN THE ASS prison! –David Herman, in Office Space
It’s not that I’m lazy, it’s that I just don’t care. –Ron Livingston, in Office Space
Damn that blue-collar bimbo and her disco-reject husband! –Rolf, in Days of our Lives
Father: The mill’s closed. There’s no more work. We’re destitute.
Father: I’m afraid I have no choice but to sell you all for medical experiments.
–in Monty Python’s The Meaning of Life
Now that I’ve met you, would you object to never seeing me again? –Melora Walters, in Magnolia (also sung by Aimee Mann in “Deathly”)
I’m sick! I have sickness all around me and you fucking ask me about my life?! “What’s wrong?” Have you seen death in your bed? In your house? Where’s your fucking decency? And then I’m asked fucking questions. What’s...wrong?! You suck my dick! That’s what’s wrong! And you, you fucking call me “lady”?! Shame on you! Shame on you!! Shame on both of you! –Julianne Moore, in Magnolia
We don’t read and write poetry because it’s cute. We read and write poetry because we are members of the human race. And the human race is filled with passion. And medicine, law, business, engineering, these are noble pursuits and necessary to sustain life. But poetry, beauty, romance, love, these are what we stay alive for. –Robin Williams, in Dead Poets Society
There is a time for daring and a time for caution, and a wise man knows which is called for. –ditto
Tanya Roberts: What’s that pet name [your mother-in-law] has for you?
Debra Jo Rupp: Whore.
–in That ’70s Show
Danny Masterson: And you laughed, man! A lot! While I was bleeding! ... You
see my point?
Ashton Kutcher: Yeah: it’s funny when friends get hurt.
Danny Masterson: Close enough.
–in That ’70s Show
Wilmer Valderrama: What’s disco?
Danny Masterson: It’s from Hell. And not the cool part of hell where all the murderers are either, but the lame-ass part where accountants are from.
in That ’70s Show
Don’t resist me, Mama. It’s boogie time. –Wilmer Valderrama, in That ’70s Show
This suit is for leisure. But many times I wear it to get down to business. –ditto
I can’t believe Laurie bit me. I hope she didn’t give me, like, slut rabies. –Laura Prepon, in That ’70s Show
Cartoons make me horny. Oh, and food. –Ashton Kutcher, in That ’70s Show
Laura Prepon: Excuse me, Jackie, when did you lose your soul?
Mila Kunis: Cheerleading camp.
–in That ’70s Show
It’s not witchcraft, it’s a Palm Pilot. –Matt Letscher, in Good Morning, Miami, talking to someone from rural Nebraska
Matt Damon: Our last two days on Earth. If I had a dick I’d go get laid. Well, let’s do the next best thing.
Ben Affleck: What’s that?
Matt Damon: Let’s kill people.
Linda Fiorentino: You were martyred?
Chris Rock: That’s one way of putting it. Another way of putting it would be to say that I was bludgeoned to death by a huge fucking rock.
And there’s nothing worse than watchin’ a fuckin’ fat man weep. –Jason Mewes, in Dogma
What the fuck is this, The Piano? Why ain’t this broad talking? –ditto, on God, who couldn’t speak because humans could not handle the sound of her almighty voice
When not close enough to be killed, the atomic bomb is one of the most beautiful sights in the world. –from an Army information film, as seen in Atomic Café
Be sure to include tranquilizers to ease the strain and monotony of life in a fallout shelter. A bottle of 100 should be sufficient for a family of four. Tranquilizers are not a narcotic, and are not habit-forming. –from a 1950s civil defense film, as seen in Atomic Café
Zoos are full, prisons are overflowing; oh my, how the world still dearly loves a cage. –Ruth Gordon, in Harold and Maude
Greed is for amateurs. Disorder, chaos, anarchy: now that’s fun! –Michael Wincott, in The Crow
I heard my mom say to her girlfriend, “Any guy with feathered hair is foxy.” –Martin Starr, in Freaks & Geeks
I’m scared of swimming in the sea
dark shapes moving under me
every fear I swallow makes me small
inconsequential things occur
alarms are triggered
it’s not the way it has to be.
–Peter Gabriel, “Darkness”
I’m scared to be divine –ditto
walking through the undergrowth, to the house in the woods
the deeper I go, the darker it gets
I peer through the window
knock at the door
and the monster I was
so afraid of
lies curled up on the floor
I own my fear so it doesn’t own me. –ditto
I can hear the same voice calling
crying out, from my heart
and that cry, what a cry,
what a cry it’s going to be
if I can stop to let it out ....
–Peter Gabriel, “Sky Blue”
The news that truly shocks is the empty, empty page
and I can’t handle this
–Peter Gabriel, “I Grieve”
Like words together we can make some sense. –Peter Gabriel, “More Than This”
Boy, I guess it’s true what they say, huh? There’s a fine line between gardening and madness. –John Ratzenberger, in Cheers
So if I asked you about art, you’d probably give me the skinny on every art book ever written. Michelangelo, you know a lot about him. Life’s work, political aspirations, him and the pope, sexual orientations, the whole works, right? But I’ll bet you can’t tell me what it smells like in the Sistine Chapel. You’ve never actually stood there and looked up at that beautiful ceiling; seen that. If I ask you about women, you’d probably give me a syllabus about your personal favorites. You may have even been laid a few times. But you can’t tell me what it feels like to wake up next to a woman and feel truly happy. You’re a tough kid. And I’d ask you about war, you’d probably throw Shakespeare at me, right, “once more unto the breach dear friends.” But you’ve never been near one. You’ve never held your best friend’s head in your lap, watch him gasp his last breath looking to you for help. I’d ask you about love, you’d probably quote me a sonnet. But you’ve never looked at a woman and been totally vulnerable. Known someone that could level you with her eyes, feeling like God put an angel on earth just for you. Who could rescue you from the depths of hell. And you wouldn’t know what it’s like to be her angel, to have that love for her, be there forever, through anything, through cancer. And you wouldn’t know about sleeping sitting up in the hospital room for two months, holding her hand, because the doctors could see in your eyes, that the terms “visiting hours” don’t apply to you. You don’t know about real loss, ‘cause it only occurs when you’ve loved something more than you love yourself. And I doubt you’ve ever dared to love anybody that much. And look at you... I don’t see an intelligent, confident man ... I see a cocky, scared shitless kid. But you’re a genius Will. No one denies that. No one could possibly understand the depths of you. But you presume to know everything about me because you saw a painting of mine, and you ripped my fucking life apart. You’re an orphan right? [Will nods] You think I know the first thing about how hard your life has been, how you feel, who you are, because I read Oliver Twist? Does that encapsulate you? Personally ... I don’t give a shit about all that, because you know what, I can’t learn anything from you, I can’t read in some fuckin’ book. Unless you want to talk about you, who you are. Then I’m fascinated. I’m in. But you don’t want to do that do you sport? You’re terrified of what you might say. Your move, chief. –Robin Williams, in Good Will Hunting
What difference do you think you can make, one man in all this madness? –Sean Penn, in The Thin Red Line
Drew Carey quotes
If frogs could fly, well, we’d still be in this mess, but wouldn’t it be neat? –Drew Carey
I am a toilet of sadness. Oh well, at least I’m not a dying whore. –Ryan Stiles
Christa Miller: Oh, my God! How could you lie on the Bible?
Ryan Stiles: Well, it’s simple. I’m a single 41-year-old janitor. What’s God gonna do? Take that away from me?
Wow! Another steaming pile of good news! –Drew Carey
I can’t do that. I’m already the single guy living in his parents’ house. I can’t be seen digging a grave in the middle of the night. –Drew Carey
You’re like some kind of superhero that can ward off success at every turn. –Ryan Stiles, to Drew Carey
My dad always said, “The day I can’t do my job drunk is the day I turn in my badge and gun.” –Ryan Stiles
Lewis, let me make this clear. The only way I’d lie next to you naked is if we’re in a mass grave. –Christa Miller
You put your tongue in Mimi’s mouth and this is what makes you sick? –Drew Carey, after his brother said that eating dog food was going to make him sick
Kathy Kinney: Actually, I’m glad it’s not a girl. After all, what woman could live up to this beauty?
Drew Carey: All women, most men, and some horses. Good morning.
–after Mimi found out she was pregnant with a boy
Drew, will you marry me in Vermont, the state that makes New Hampshire nervous? –Craig Ferguson
I wish I would have died on the toilet last night. –Drew Carey, before engaging in a green card-driven gay marriage
If I were you, I’d pick Lewis. I mean, Oswald’s my friend but I wouldn’t want Lewis to be mad at me. Remember that time we saw “The Silence of the Lambs” and he said “Now, there’s a guy that did something with his life”? –Christa Miller
Jesus Christ! When did Christmas turn into such a minefield?! –Stanley Anderson, after catching his son making out with a 60-year-old
[Drew, Kate, Oswald, and Lewis come to a black church]
Drew Carey: Hi, Mr. Nichols. I brought some friends, I hope you don’t mind.
Mr. Nichols: No problem. Jesus even befriended the whores and the feeble minded. Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean you people.
Diedrich Bader: Oh, we’re not offended. We’re actually amazed at your insight.
Nan Martin: And if you don’t, this company will be 210 pounds lighter.
Drew Carey: [to Mimi] Hey, she thinks I only weigh 210 pounds!
We are swimming with the snakes
At the bottom of the well
So silent and peaceful in the darkness where we fell
But we are not snakes and what’s more
We never will be
And if we stay swimming here forever
We will never be free.
–Patti Griffith, “Forgiveness”
Open your eyes, boy, we made it through the night
Let’s take a walk on the bridge
Right over this mess
Don’t need to tell me a thing, baby
We’ve already confessed
And I raised my voice to the air
And we were blessed.
I know it’s hard to believe
To see a perfect forest
Through so many splintered trees.
And I’m sucked in by the wonder
And I’m fucked up by the lies
And I dig a hole to lie in
And I build some wings to fly
–Heather Nova, “Walk this World”
I hear your heartbeat pound me on my back. –Jessica Riddle, “Gone”
How can I ever get over you
When I’d give my life for yours
–Bif Naked, “Lucky”
Don’t fall away and leave me to myself
Don’t fall away and leave love bleeding in my hands
She cries her life is like
Some movie in black and white
Dead actors faking lines
Over and over and over again she cries
Just being a woman … with ridges on your head, you wonder, “C’mon, how sexy can I be?” –Roxann Dawson in Star Trek: Voyager (reminds me of my own malformed head!)
I’ve sat in the dark explaining to myself that I’m straining too hard for feelings I ought to find easily. –10,000 Maniacs, “Jezebel”
Now you see that Evil will always triumph, because Good is dumb. –Rick Moranis, in Spaceballs
Out of order? FUCK! Even in the future, nothing works! –ditto
Oooh, that’s gonna leave a mark. –John Candy, in Spaceballs, after attempting to get out of a chair with his seatbelt on
The extreme always seems to make an impression. –Christian Slater, in Heathers
Fuck me gently with a chainsaw. Do I look like Mother Theresa to you? –Kim Walker, in Heathers
Did you have a brain tumor for breakfast or something? –ditto
Kurt’s Dad: My son’s a homosexual, and I love him! I love my dead gay son!
Christian Slater: Wonder how he’d react if his son had a limp wrist with a pulse.
I have come to doubt all that I once held as true; I stand alone without beliefs—the only truth I know is you. –Simon and Garfunkel, “Kathy’s Song”
You look like the perfect fit
for a girl in need of a tourniquet.
–Aimee Mann, “Save Me”
Debra Messing: Jack’s mother is going to be joining us, and she doesn’t know Jack’s gay.
Megan Mullally: How could she not know? What is she, headless?
–in Will & Grace
Will, my love for you is like this scar—ugly but permanent. –Debra Messing, in Will & Grace
Mr. Bennish, if we survive, I promise you this: I will dedicate my life to isolating the gene that makes you so obnoxious, and I will destroy it. –John Rhys-Davis, in Sliders
Gay people, well, gay people are EVIL, evil right down to their cold black hearts which pump not blood like yours or mine, but rather a thick, vomitous oil that oozes through their rotten veins and clots in their pea-sized brains which becomes the cause of their Nazi-esque patterns of violent behavior. Do you understand? –Mr. Garrison, in South Park
Oh, I’ve haven’t seen an Englishman take a blow like that since Hugh Grant! –football commentator, in South Park
Oh, I haven’t seen a Jew run like that since Poland, 1938! –ditto
Shut up, you sweaty mongoloid. –Stan, in South Park
The hardest part about moving forward is not looking back. –Janeane Garafalo’s voice, in Felicity
she pictures the broken glass
she pictures the steam
she pictures a soul
with no leak at the seam
–Peter Gabriel, “Mercy Street”
nowhere in the corridors of pale green and gray
nowhere in the suburbs
in the cold light of day
there in the midst of it so alive and alone
words support like bone
I hold the line—the line of strength that pulls me through the fear…
And the tears roll down my swollen cheek—think I’m losing it—
I hold the line—I hold the line.
–Peter Gabriel, “San Jacinto”
Don’t be afraid to cry at what you see
The actor’s gone, there’s only you and me
And if we break before the dawn, they’ll
use up what we used to be.
–Peter Gabriel, “Here Comes the Flood”
All women are two drinks away from a girl-on-girl adventure. –David Spade, in Just Shoot Me
… unless you count Social Security scams and shoplifting, I haven’t had a regular job in years. –Ewan MacGregor, in Trainspotting
Choose life. Choose a job. Choose a career. Choose a family. Choose a fucking big television. Choose washing machines, cars, compact disc players and electrical tin openers. Choose good health, low cholesterol, and dental insurance. Choose fixed interest mortgage repayments. Choose a starter home. Choose your friends. Choose leisurewear and matching fabrics. Choose DIY and wondering who the fuck you are on a Sunday morning. Choose sitting on that couch watching mind-numbing, spirit crushing game shows, stuffing junk food into your mouth. Choose rotting away at the end of it all, pishing your last in a miserable home, nothing more than an embarrassment to the selfish, fucked-up brats you spawned to replace yourself. Choose a future. Choose life. But why would I want to do a thing like that? –ditto
Amazing, the clarity that comes from psychotic jealousy. –Rupert Everett, in My Best Friend’s Wedding
All the times that I’ve cried
keeping all the things I knew inside;
it’s hard, but it’s harder to ignore it.
If they were right, I’d agree,
but it’s them they know, not me;
now there’s a way,
and I know that I have to go away.
I know I have to go.
–Cat Stevens, “Father and Son”
She wakes to the sound of growing fear outside.
Beware my wings, she’d say, my hundred eyes and changing skin.
You cannot know me anymore.
–Kitchens of Distinction, “He Holds Her, He Needs Her”
The stars are vibrating signs advertising names and faces and places of monsters
there’s not enough dark in which to hide, not even to sleep
the bright pain of nightmare and the loss of all reason brings no such releases.
Nowhere to climb anymore.
–Kitchens of Distinction, “These Drinkers”
Fame is a cancer and ego its seed. –Toad the Wet Sprocket, “Stories I Tell”
It is prophesied that when the end comes,
It will come in darkness.
A catastrophe all foresaw. But few believed.
Most of us will battle too late against the chaos,
But not the few. The radical few. Who obey no discipline.
Unencumbered by conscience,
They prepare ruthlessly. Pursuing their own preservation.
If they survive, and the rest of us perish,
None will weep for civilized and the principled.
None but God Himself.
–Lance Henriksen, in Millennium
This may not be the end of the world
But you can see it from here.
–John Mellencamp, “This May Not Be the End of the World”
It’s like you have created your own prison and now you have to exist in it. –Devon Gummersall, in My So-Called Life
Meredith Monroe: You guys are a bunch of cynics, you know that? I mean, what kind of high school memories will you have if all you did in high school was bitch and moan about everything?
Katie Holmes: Bitching memories.
James Van der Beek: Moaning memories.
–in Dawson’s Creek
I’m a firm believer that sometimes it’s right to do the wrong thing. –Joshua Jackson, in Dawson’s Creek
I’m an artist; torture is a prerequisite. –James Van der Beek, in Dawson’s Creek
… don’t you ever wonder where this is going, where we are exactly? I mean, is this just the first act or is our story ended and we’re just too stupid to realize it? –Katie Holmes, in Dawson’s Creek
I would’ve been so burned at the stake by now. –Michelle Williams, in Dawson’s Creek
Life is like a shooting star; if you only run for cover, it’s just a waste of time. –Live, “The Dolphin’s Cry”
Into temptation, safe in the wide open arms of hell. –Crowded House, “Into Temptation”
Now in its 10th year praising the cinematic achievements America is ashamed to admit it watched—let alone halfway enjoyed... –E! Online’s review of this year’s MTV Movie Awards nominations
There’s millions of people
to offer advice and say how I should be
but they’re twisted
and they will never be
any influence on me,
but you will always be.
–Sinead O’Connor, “The Emperor’s New Clothes”
My grip is surely slipping
I think I’ve lost my hold
Yes I think I’ve lost my hold
I cannot get insurance anymore
They don’t take credit, only gold
Is that a dagger or a crucifix I see
You hold so tightly in your hand
And all the while the distance grows between you and me
I do not understand.
–Peter Gabriel, “Blood of Eden”
Something in me, dark and sticky
All the time it’s getting strong
No way of dealing with this feeling
Can’t go on like this too long
Digging in the dirt
Stay with me, I need support
I’m digging in the dirt
To find the places I got hurt
Open up the places I got hurt.
–Peter Gabriel, “Digging in the Dirt”
I’m driven to you like the driven snow
There’s a place for us to lie
For every lover there’s a piece of sky.
–Heather Nova, “Winterblue”
Life is only halfway in our hands
Years have passed while I was making plans
And I could never find the words
I always felt absurd, and always outside
But now I know I shouldn’t care
There’s a song already there
–Heather Nova, “What a Feeling”
Just as I got near the end
I keep falling in the holes you left in me.
–Tara MacLean, “Jericho”
For a heart cannot repent
when it doesn’t know it’s spent its lifetime
beating itself to death.
–Tara MacLean, “Divided”
Well they say I’ve lost my will
but I’m just standing still
in a world that swallows cowards
for the crime of killing time.
And if I fall
I will find a way back to my hands
I’m the only one who can help me find my feet
Sweet little fighter
Sweet little scar
Sweet little fire in my heart.
–Tara MacLean, “If I Fall”
Hands to blades
as daylight fades
hold this shaking hand
swimming from dry land.
–Tara MacLean, “Dry Land”
All the rest has left
this burden on my chest
can you see the air is angry
collapsing into nothing
the soul has risen
but never has forgiven
so we stay and starve the heart to make a living.
–Tara MacLean, “Passenger”
And when somebody knows you well
Well, there’s no comfort like that
And when somebody needs you
Well, there’s no drug like that.
–Heather Nova, “London Rain”
You’re the blood of me
You’re the truth that hurts
You’re the memory
You’re the drug that works.
–Heather Nova, “Blood of Me”
Security’s the whore in me that never lets me fly. –Heather Nova, “Avalanche”
I cannot breathe
When will I have the guts to leave?
Run away from all that is sacred
Escaping the shadows over me
Run away, you’ll never make it
It’s all that a child believes
I don’t remember when I felt warm.
–Amanda Ghost, “A Child Believes”
I just want to feel safe in my own skin
I just want to be happy again.
–Dido, “Honestly OK”
You will learn to lose everything
We are temporary arrangements.
–Alanis Morissette, “No Pressure Over Cappuccino”
That I would be loved even when I numb myself
That I would be good even when I am overwhelmed
That I would be loved even when I was fuming
That I would be good even if I was clingy
… That I would be good even if I lost sanity
That I would be good
Whether with or without you.
–Alanis Morissette, “That I Would be Good”
You said, “Wouldn’t it be a shame if I knew how great I was five minutes before I’d died; I’d be filled with such regret before I took my last breath.” –Alanis Morissette, “I Was Hoping”
Why is it so hard to be objective about myself
why do I feel cellularly alone
am I supposed to live in this crazy city
can blindly-continued fear-induced regurgitated life-denying tradition
–Alanis Morissette, “These are the Thoughts”
Why do I say “I’m fine” when it’s obvious I’m not
Why’s it so hard to tell you what I want
Why can’t you just read my mind?
Why do I fear that the quieter I am
The less you will listen
Why do I care whether you like me or not
Why is it so hard for me to be angry
Why is it such work to stay conscious and so easy to get stuck
And not the other way around?
Do you want my blood, do you want my tears
What do you want
What do you want from me
Should I sing until I can’t sing any more
Play these strings until my fingers are raw
You’re so hard to please
What do you want from me?
–Pink Floyd, “What Do You Want From Me”
Where were you when I was burned and broken
While the days slipped by from my window watching
Where were you when I was hurt and I was helpless
Because the things you say and the things you do surround me
While you were hanging yourself on someone else’s words
Dying to believe in what you heard
I was staring straight into the shining sun.
–Pink Floyd, “Coming Back to Life”
There’s a silence surrounding me
I can’t seem to think straight
I’ll sit in the corner
No one can bother me
I think I should speak now
I can’t seem to speak now
My words won’t come out right
I feel like I’m drowning
I’m feeling weak now
But I can’t show my weakness
I sometimes wonder
Where do we go from here
Why won’t you talk to me
I feel like I’m drowning
You know I can’t breathe now
What are you thinking
We’re going nowhere.
–Pink Floyd, “Keep Talking”
You go to your room! And don’t come out until you’re not of the gay! –an Indian father to his gay son on Goodness Gracious Me
Sex is like a bike without training wheels—you try it before you’re ready, you’re gonna fall off and break your head. –Will Friedle, in Boy Meets World
I am the only sane person I know, and that scares the hell out of me. –Thomas Capello, in Melrose Place
Young Ones quotes
Neil, let’s not beat around the bush. Are you going to make supper, or am I going to kick your teeth in? –Vyvyan, “Oil”
Oh, that’s right, Vyvyan. If the mountain won’t come to Muhammad, smash the drawing room to pieces. That’s very Buddhist, isn’t it! –Rick, “Nasty”
Look, just put that down! There’s only three minutes to go. Are you an alcoholic or something? God! Anyone would think this place was a refugee camp! –Rick, when a party guest opened a bottle of wine before the party actually started, “Interesting”
For one man to love another, Vyvyan, is not poofy. It’s actually very beautiful. It’s only when they start touching each other’s bottoms that it gets poofy. –Rick, “Flood”
Oh God, I’ve got to stop sniffing this Ajax! –Vyvyan, “Nasty”
Oh, no. The front door’s exploded. –Rick, “Nasty”
What, me, Rick, a virgin?? Try telling that to some of the foxy chicks who owe me favors. –Rick, “Nasty”
So in fact, you see, all four of us have stayed up for the entire night. Now that’s what I call anarchy! –Rick, “Nasty”
We never clean the toilet, Neil! That’s what being a student is all about! –Rick, “Sick”
It’s as if the kettle’s killed itself rather than be used by me! –Neil, “Bomb”
My barely adequate psychic defenses are crumbling! –Neil’s hippie friend Neil, “Interesting”
Tomorrow, everyone in England will be free and there will be no more social prejudice or hatred. Get up, Neil, I HATE you! –Rick, “Bomb”
God, I’m bored. I might as well be listening to Genesis. –Rick, “Flood”
There’s no one here, Mr. Balowski! We’re all holograms! –Rick, “Flood”
Guys, there’s some dinner on the floor if you want it. –Neil, “Demolition”
I’m just digging a grave. Uh, I don’t think I’m gonna kill myself today, actually, but, uh... just in case, you know. –Neil, “Boring”
Shut up, or I’ll kill you! –Vyvyan (in multiple episodes)
You bastard! You complete and utter bastard! –Rick, “Demolition”
That’s funny—I don’t remember ramming a skewer into my head. –Neil, “Boring”
A social conscience is like a garden shed. If you try to eat it, it will stick in your throat. –Mike, “Bomb”
I’ve just nailed my knees to the table. –Mike, “Cash”
Neil, your bedroom’s on fire! –Rick and Vyv in unison, “Oil”
Lucky the guys told me my bedroom was on fire. I might have gone to sleep and burned to death. Not that I ever sleep much anyway, ’cause I have to spend most of my time in the kitchen, having a really bad time. –Neil, “Oil”
How many people does it take to screw in a lightbulb? One, me, ’cause I’m the only one that does anything around here anyway! –Neil
…it’s a cake and I’ve baked it and we’re having a party and you’re all invited ’cause you’re my friends. At least you pretend to be my....well, you don’t even pretend to be my friends, actually. In fact, you all hate me. In fact, if I was in the hospital, right, dying, you wouldn’t even bother to come and visit me ’cause you all hate me so much. –Neil, “Summer Holiday”
What about my holiday?! Both my parents are dead! The selfish bastards!! –Rick, “Summer Holiday”
Open up! It’s the pigs! –Neil, breaking up a house party when working as a police officer, “Cash”
Beep beep beep, oh no, heavy, the coins keep coming out, beep beep beep, even the telephone hates me, beep beep beep, I wish there were no machines, and everyone led a pastoral existence, trees and flowers don’t deliberately cool you out and go beep in your ear. –Neil’s phone message, “Bambi”
Well, that’s just typical. Five minutes to go to the most important party of my life and half the house is wrecked by a giant sandwich. –Rick, “Interesting”
I suppose you think it’s pretty weird, don’t you, Mike? Well, you’d be right. Because THAT’S the kind of guy I am, right! WEIRD! Which is why I go over people’s heads—a bit like a aeroplane! You think I’m an aeroplane, don’t you, Mike? Well, I’m not! –Rick, “Demolition”
“Darling Carrot, could you ever love a cripple?”
“No, I don’t think so.”
–rotting vegetables in the sink, “Boring”
Vyvyan, Vyvyan, Vyvyan! Honestly! Whenever anything explodes in this house it’s always blame Vyvyan! –Vyvyan, “Nasty”
Oh dear. This calls for a very special blend of psychology and extreme violence. –Vyvyan, “Bambi”
Anyway, I can sell my body for a few good times if I want. What the hell? Who cares? I’m gorgeous! I am sex! Women want me and they’re prepared to pay! So don’t give me your phony morality! It’s dog-eat-cat in this world, and you won’t find me in a pedigree shop. –Rick, “Summer Holiday”
Bloody hell! Give them a uniform and they think they’re Hitler. –Rick, talking about postal workers, “Summer Holiday”
I better get back to the lentil casserole before I get disoriented. –Neil, “Demolition”
Neil: Oh, uh—I’m being hassled in the street by a chick! She’s making me paranoid,
Rick: Stop making him paranoid, you slag!
Oh, that’s right, Neil, yeah! Lounge around! Have a good time, while we starve to death! Beatnik! –Rick, seeing Neil on the floor after he has been knocked out by Vyv, “Oil”
Look, man. Either strut your stuff, or bug off! –a large black male roller disco dancer in “Oil,” to Rick, when Rick asked the dancer if he could please leave his bedroom
Look, this world is like a burnt steak. Small, tough, and the chips are always stacked against you. –Mike, “Oil”
Listen, man. Sleep gives you cancer. Everyone knows that. –Neil, “Oil”
I can’t go to prison! I’m too pretty! I’ll get raped! –Rick, “Bomb”
Well, I’m going to tell Thatcher that we’ve got a bomb. And if she doesn’t do something to help “the kids” by this afternoon, we’re going to blow up England. –Rick, “Bomb”
“Darling Fascist Bullyboy, Give me some more money, you bastard. May the seed of your loin be fruitful in the belly of your woman. Neil. Neil, writing to his bank manager, Cash
Help! I’m being hassled by a killer sock! –Neil, “Bambi”
You spiteful bastard, Neil! Just because you’ve done loads and loads of work for this, just because you’re a creepy little swot, you’ve done about 15 million tons of work for this, like a girl, and I’m so hard and street and cool that I’ve done absolutely bugger-all, and you’ve done loads, look at it, loads and loads, loads and loads... –Rick, freaking out in “Bambi”
Esther: God didn’t make man to steal.
Jimmie Walker: Then how come he gave us more pockets than hands?
–in Good Times
If some sissy chick tried to kick my ass, I’d be all like “Hey, listen, missy—why don’t you go knit me a sweater before I slap you in the face?” –Eric Cartman, in South Park
Far away to an infinite world I escape, I’m clear and calm, I’m unafraid, sunless days … in my sheltered Milky Way … I feel no pain in my heart, in my head, oh the Saturn girl has always bled, no you’re not from this world … I can’t explain why I don’t belong to the same world, I don’t fit in and I will not stay, I want to fly, oh I long for my violet skies, my astral nights, my peace of mind. –Paula Cole, “Saturn Girl”
I have got to leave to find my way. –REM, “Find the River”
Without you, everything falls apart. Without you, it’s not as much fun to pick up the pieces. –Nine Inch Nails, “Perfect Drug”
Now why the hell would I make up something as ludicrous as transsexuality? –William Daniels, in St. Elsewhere, when someone thought he was joking about having a transsexual friend
Outside the street’s on fire
In a real death waltz
Between what’s flesh and fantasy
And the poets down here
Don’t write nothin’ at all
They just stand back and let it all be.
–Bruce Springsteen, “Jungleland”
Not everyone can carry the weight of the world. –REM, “Talk About the Passion”
It’s easier for me to get closer to heaven than ever feel whole again. –The Cure, “Disintegration”
You know that your time is coming ’round—so don’t let the bastards grind you down. –U2, “Acrobat”
Have you come here to play Jesus to the lepers in your head? –U2, “One”
Some try to tell me thoughts they cannot defend; just what you want to be, you will be in the end. –Moody Blues, “Nights in White Satin”
Just what I’m going through, they can’t understand. –ditto
And as we wind on down the road, our shadow taller than our soul. –Led Zeppelin, “Stairway to Heaven”
Could anybody love you, or is it just a crazy dream
And if I show you my dark side
will you still hold me, tonight?
And if I open my heart to you,
how you my weak side,
what would you do?
–Pink Floyd, “The Final Cut”
This dream is driving me insane… –Pink Floyd, “The Gunner’s Dream”
We all have a dark side, to say the least. And dealing with death is the nature of the beast. –Pink Floyd, “Dogs of War”
And you run and run to catch up with the sun but it’s sinking
and racing around to come up behind you again.
The sun is the same in the relative way but you’re older,
shorter of breath and one day closer to death.
–Pink Floyd, “Time”
Was it love or just the idea of being in love? –Pink Floyd, “One Slip”
Take that, fuckers! –Bob Geldof, in The Wall
Don’t accept that what’s happening
is just a case of others’ suffering
or you’ll find that you’re joining in the turning away.
–Pink Floyd, “On the Turning Away”
I wanna go home,
take off this uniform and leave the show.
But I’m waiting in this cell because I have to know—
Have I been guilty all this time? –Pink Floyd, “Stop”
If I had my way, I’d have all of you shot! –Pink Floyd, “In the Flesh”
Oh Maggie—Maggie, what did we do? –Pink Floyd, “The Post War Dream”
Our little group has always been and always will until the end. –Nirvana, “Smells Like Teen Spirit”
How far are you gonna go before you lose your way back home? –U2, “Tryin’ to Throw Your Arms Around the World”
A little death, without mourning
No call, and no warning
Baby, a dangerous idea
That almost makes sense.
–U2, “Love is Blindness”
It’s a strange world, isn’t it? –Kyle MacLachlan, in Blue Velvet
I’ve been walking in society’s footsteps; I don’t like what I see no more; sometimes I wish I was blind. –Jon Bon Jovi, “Keep the Faith”
Killing isn’t like smoking—you can quit. –Sharon Stone, in Basic Instinct
Did you exchange
a walk-on part in the war
for a lead role in a cage?
–Pink Floyd, “Wish You Were Here”
Most people keep their brains between their legs. –Morrissey, “Such a Little Thing Makes Such a Big Difference”
A round cookie with one bite out of it look like a “C.” A round doughnut with one bite out of it also look like a “C.” But ita not as good as a cookie. Oh! The moon sometime look like a “C,” but you no can eat that. –Cookie Monster, “C is for Cookie”
I’m not panicking, Jake. I’m just starting to go a little crazy. There’s a difference. –Ashley on Fifteen
I’ve no more ways to hide, that I’m a desolate and empty, hallow place inside. –10,000 Maniacs, “Jezebel”
The killer in me is the killer in you, my love. –Smashing Pumpkins, “Disarm”
You won’t accept a guy’s tongue in your mouth, and you’re gonna eat that? –Judd Nelson, in The Breakfast Club
No storm can shake my innermost calm. –“How Can I Keep From Singing?” (traditional)
I only kill to know I’m alive
I think I’ve been taken for everything I own. I’ve been hurt so badly. I’m alone, baby, alone. –Liz Phair, “Johnny Sunshine”
I wear black on the outside because black is how I feel on the inside, and if I seem a little strange, well, that’s because I am. –The Smiths, “Unloveable”
Welcome to my mind. –Anthony Hopkins, in Freejack
Goddamn this noise inside my head. –Nine Inch Nails, “The Becoming”
What have I become?
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know
Goes away in the end.
–Nine Inch Nails, “Hurt”
Maybe it’s a part of me, you took it to a place
I hoped it would never go
And maybe that fucked me up
Much more than you’ll ever know
How did you get so big?
How did you get so strong?
How did you get so hard?
How did it get so long?
What you gave to me
My perfect ring of scars
You know I can see what you really are
You didn’t hurt me, nothing can hurt me
You didn’t hurt me, nothing can stop me now.
–Nine Inch Nails, “Ruiner”
We have all become God’s madmen. –Anthony Hopkins, in Dracula
I’m down to just one thing and I’m starting to scare myself. –Nine Inch Nails, “Something I Can Never Have”
“Oh, everything is going great.”
“It’s not going great. You’re miserable 24 hours a day. All you can do is think about this man.”
–Concrete Blonde, “I Wanna Be Your Friend Again”
The hills are alive with celibate cries. –The Smiths, “These Things Take Time”
I love you for what I am not. –Nirvana, “Radio Friendly Unit Shifter”
It’s not easy having a good time—even smiling makes my face ache. –Tim Curry, in Rocky Horror Picture Show
If you’re so special, then why aren’t you dead? –The Breeders
Once in a while you get shown the light
In the strangest of places if you look at it right.
–Grateful Dead, “Scarlet Begonias”
These are your gods—these are my scars. –Indigo Girls, “Keeper of my Heart”
In a world that can be so insane, I don’t think it’s very strange for me to be in love with you. –Red Hot Chili Peppers, “Show Me Your Soul”
You will see light in the darkness
You will make some sense of this
When you make your secret journey
You will find this love you miss.
–The Police, “Ghost in the Machine”
I’ve been stabbed in the back so many times, I don’t have any skin. –Morrissey, “Why Don’t You Find Out for Yourself?”
All I want to do is live by the sea. –Oasis, “It’s Good to be Free”
Time it was
and what a time it was
a time of innocence
a time of confidences
long ago it must be
I have a photograph
preserve your memories
they’re all that’s left of you.
–Simon and Garfunkel, “Bookends”
We didn’t know you’d break the bottle that the magic came in to use those jagged shards to slit our wrists and necks. –Pantera, “Good Friends and a Bottle of Pills”
Everywhere I look, you’re all I see. I’m just a fading fucking reminder of how I used to be. –Nine Inch Nails, “Something I Can Never Have”
The issue isn’t whether you’re paranoid; it’s whether you’re paranoid enough. –from Strange Days
Once I ran to you, now I run from you. –Soft Cell, “Tainted Love”
Shit, if it’s gonna be that kind of party, I’m gonna stick my dick in the mashed potatoes. –Beastie Boys
Everybody’s got an evil side; the trick’s just learning how to keep it on a leash. –from Tales from the Crypt
Maybe it’s a sign of weakness
When I don’t know what to say
Maybe I just wouldn’t know
What to do with my strength anyway.
–Pat Benatar, “We Belong”
I’d rather laugh with the sinners than cry with the saints; the sinners are much more fun. –Billy Joel, “Only the Good Die Young”
You can blow out a candle, but you can’t blow out a fire. –Peter Gabriel, “Biko”
The more things change, the more they suck. –Butthead, in Beavis and Butthead
Bought a ticket for a runaway train
Like the madman laughing at the rain
Little out of touch, little insane
It’s just easier than dealing with the pain.
–Soul Asylum, “Runaway Train”
Yeah, we were all together, lost in our little lives. –REM, “Sweetness Follows”
The men who love you, you hate the most.
They pass right through you like a ghost.
They look for you but your spirit is in the air;
Baby, you’re nowhere.
–U2, “You’re So Cruel”
Weird when you get close to something that BIG, you can’t see anything at all. –Toad the Wet Sprocket, “Butterflies”
Remember: chicks dig guys who eat soup. –one of David Letterman’s Top Ten rejected slogans for Campbell’s Soup
In the clearing stands a boxer
and a fighter by his trade
and he carries the reminders
of every glove that laid him down or
cut him till he cried out
in his anger and his shame:
“I am leaving, I am leaving,”
but the fighter still remains.
–Simon and Garfunkel, “The Boxer”
If we were never going to die, you’d have to buy a whole lot of pants. –Robert Pastorelli, in Murphy Brown