Family, High School/College Friends


Terry M: I’m really not cut out to be a “productive member of society.” I really have to fake it.
Abby D: Being productive is the worst!
Coreena H: Me too. I was meant to a rich lazy piece of shit.
Shawn S: I hate fiscal responsibility and restraint. I just wanna fucking shop.
Coreena H: Well adulthood is fucking shitshow and not as advertised
Abby D: Fiscal responsibility and restraint is so fucking stupid! Who the fuck wants their money to go to car insurance and electric?

Don’t get me wrong...I can understand wanting to snuff someone...but it’s always very specific for specific reasons...not this random shit. –Shawn S., re: the Austin package bombings

Corporate code. It’s all such bullshit and they usually think you’re dumb enough to not know it means you’ve been fucked in the ass without lube or a reach around. –Coreena H., re: what gets said to employees when their coworkers are laid off

[upon learning that Beyonce’s fans have targeted Ann Coulter]
Abby D.: Yaaaaaaaassssss! I hope they melt her mouth shut. And cut her fingers off so she can never write a book again.
Coreena H.: That is one stringy looking woman, like cheap ass beef. Not that I hate her for it, I hate her for her mind.
Shawn S.: Exactly, I hate her for being a moron, but being the human equivalent of turkey jerky just makes it worse.

She really got dealt a bad hand in that area, because her mom is basically Jabba the Hut and then you add in her various real/imaginary illnesses and there is only so much a sack of flesh can take. –Shawn S.

I lack the motivation. You really need to be a self-starter type to be an Angel of Death. –Shawn S., when I tried to convince him to become a mercy killer at the hospital where he works

My search for socks mirrors my life in the sense that I have given up the search for a mate. –Shawn S.

Shawn S.: She might make up pretty but I wasn’t impressed during her interview. Every answer was “Uh....uh...yeh.”
Coreena H.: Aww, dumb as a post.
Shawn S.: Yup. Almost slack-jawed dumb.
Coreena H.: I’m sure she’ll be reproducing anytime then. They always do
Shawn S.: They do. I think it has something to do with lower intelligence. Insects and reptiles produce a larger number of eggs because so many will be eaten and they don’t care for their young usually, also upping the mortality rate. It’s the same with morons...they have extra kids because you know they are gonna wander off in Walmart and lose one to two, and they don’t take care of them either. It’s a survival technique and evolutionary advantage for the stupid.
Coreena H.: The stupid don’t need advantages; they are outbreeding the intelligent and making everything awful.
Terry M.: That should be embroidered on a pillow.
Shawn S.: This is why Jesus gave us birth control. Now they need to give it to people in a blow dart from a safe distance and it will all even out.
Coreena H.: I think it should be in the water and you have to apply to be allowed a kid.
Shawn S.: Sounds good.

Love is great but it’s also work, commitment, and it doesn’t actually cure a damn thing. –Coreena H.

I think having someone around to make my corpse presentable is probably the only thing that could convince me to date again. –ditto

Abby D.: I don’t understand how bad people always find good people and suck them dry!
Shawn S.: Because bad people have radar, and good people are too nice to leave or kill them in their sleep like they should.

Still, it’s a goddamn shame...all that fame and money and he still married someone with small tits. –Melissa L., on JFK Jr.

Abby D.: Stupid is pretty much nationwide.
Coreena H.: And is it wrong that I want to kill off the mediocre?
Abby D.: Nope.

Jennifer B.: But who on earth supports al-Qaeda anymore? They’re old news.
Coreena H.: They’re the MySpace of terror.

I think every day that if I die because of some shit that happens at work or something I contract at work...I’m gonna be pisst. I also love that my phone wants to change “pisst” to “Liszt.” It apparently thinks I’m illiterate but classy. –Shawn S.

Dying on the way to or at work is a fucking slap in the face. –Melissa L.

At this point, I think I’d welcome rabies. This blob of slop needs a day off. –ditto

I was watching a Sweden travel doc[umentary] and there wasn’t a fat person in sight. Oh I’ll feel so embarrassed. At least when we went to England everybody there was fat and ugly! –ditto

I don’t plan to live to retirement age, so it would be nice to use it on some mothafuckin’ souvenirs. –ditto, on wanting to cash out her 401(k) to buy souvenirs in Sweden

It looks like somebody chewed up a pack of Hubba Bubba for two days then rolled it in ashes. –Melissa L., on the infected asshole of a rescue dog she was thinking of adopting

I’m honestly kinda sick of everything right now. I’m sick of being poor, I’m sick of drama, I’m sick of the human race. Now I have to go pretend to be compassionate to these fuckers. I honestly have a goddamn knot in my stomach. –Shawn S., before heading to his job in the medical field

Only in Lebanon are teeth considered optional. –Coreena H.,on our hometown

I know they ain’t stylish, but for a fat fuck with foot pain, they are a miracle and my fat ass is gonna wear the MFers. –Melissa L., re: Crocs

Goddammit. We should have road tripped to Boston. –Amy K., during the Tsarnaev brothers police hunt

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.....oh I can’t take it! It’s like the goddamn Oscars giving speeches and shit at this news conference! I fucking hope and goddamn motherfucking pray that Anne Hathaway shows up and starts giving a speech. –Amy K., after Dzhokar Tsarnaev was taken into police custody

They are rock stars tonight. Every drunken slut wants a mouthful of Boston cop cock tonight. –Terry M., re: Boston cops after Dzhokar Tsarnaev was taken into police custody

St. Patrick’s Day is a holiday for douche jocks, and the girls who give blowjobs to douche jocks, anyway. –Terry M.

[N]obody can convince me that “everybody’s Irish on St. Patrick’s day”...besides, St. Patrick was Roman, and kind of a dick. I wish he had just left the pagans alone. –ditto

Hey, let’s scare a poor defenseless animal half to death every year for our stupid theory then blame him for it not being warm outside. Jesus Christ! The US is really filled with a lot of blame pigs. –Abby D., on people being pissed about Punxsutawney Phil’s predictions

When the fuck did I become a bear?! I’m a bear and people my age are grandparents. HOW? WHY? And why the fuck do I still need to buy fucking Stridex if this is all true? Shouldn’t puberty be over by now? –Shawn S.

I went outside...I saw scantily clad trash and a bug...over it. –Terry M., on a semi-warmish late winter day (talking about how he’s not ready for summer, a season he hates)

I find the Kardashians to be the collapse of our society. –Kendra H.

WTF is wrong with women?? They pretend to be these delicate flowers but they’re fucking hogs. –ditto

Melissa L.: Another day of pretending to give a shit about these useless lumps of flesh masquerading as humans.
Terry M.: And another day of feeding them so they can be nourished for one more day.
ML: Oh I know. Why feed them, so that they may live another day? Their pitiful, pleading faces and their hands outstretched?
–on working in the public service sector

I love that I’ve only been here fifteen minutes and I instantly feel hatred. People are awful. Plus, any minute I expect my phone to ring from this rabid dog crazy loon that pesters me with calls about his benefits. What part of “I don’t give a shit if you starve to death” am I not clearly conveying? –Melissa L., on working in the public service sector.

Oh please shoot me in the goddamn brains!!!!!! This ceaseless parade of human mongrels!!! This sad factory of wasted flesh!!!! –ditto

Well, there’s another eight hours of wasting time with human mongrels down the drain. –ditto

I do not understand people who need to work to feel fulfilled. I need it as an excuse to bathe and interact with humans, but that’s about it. And I find both of those things overrated anyway. So as much as I whinge about [my job], I’d whinge just as much about anything else unless it was a really fierce job and unfortunately, I’m not qualified for anything fierce. So, pop some champagne, because it looks like it’s gonna be a long, slow trudge towards death!! –ditto

I have to get out of working with the public and providing direct service to others. I hate people so, so, so much. I have no interest in helping anyone other than my loved ones. –ditto

I just really, really hate being in any kind of service industry. Honestly, humans don’t deserve it. They don’t deserve any kind of service because for the most part, they are vile and miserable and foolish and disgusting. They only service they should get is a fucking abortion to keep them from procreating. –ditto

I don’t care if I have to be the person that washes out the slop pan underneath the autopsy table; I’m so desperate to get a job working with dead people because they won’t be able to call me on the fucking phone. –ditto

I just want to drag most of the applicants through the town square and hang ’em like Mussolini ... –ditto

Part of me feels like I should just stick it out because I don’t like working and I’ll hate almost any job I have so I might as well stay where I do well and I get paid well, but then every once in a while part of me feels like I should contribute to the universe and do something that has some meaning on this earth. And then part of me just wants to be able to take a hacksaw to dead bodies. –ditto

I get about 30 calls a day from these whiny babies and it makes me want to hunt them like they are human game. –ditto, on the calls she gets at work

I don’t think I will ever have the energy to job search again. Seriously, I plan to stay at the bureau until I have a heart attack at my desk. –ditto

I’m continually surprised that there aren’t people, with our type of job, opening fire on the public on a daily basis. –Coreena H., who works in customer service

Being drugged out of your mind just so you can get through the day without killing yourself is the American way! –ditto

I should tape a big sign to the door that reads “Don’t go out to eat on Valentine’s Day... Stay home and fuck! Sex is free!” –Terry M., who works in a restaurant that is always hellishly busy on Valentine’s Day

Shawn S.: I hate people. That’s all.
Melissa L.: You and me both, sister. I wish Jesus would smite some mothafuckas!
Abby D.: So we’re all in the Praying For Jesus to Smite some Mothafuckas prayer group?
Terry M.: Seems so!

I hate people so much. I really honestly have been questioning whether or not we should reproduce because the world is such an awful place populated by disgusting assholes and I don’t even know any more if it’s a good idea to subject anyone to the motherfuckers on this planet on purpose. –Danielle B.


I fucking detest people. Oh god I hate them. I swear to god, 99% of people can be considered the fucking dregs of humanity. There is no distinguishing between the scum and the good people anymore. They are all scum and should be exterminated like the fucking vermin they are. –Melissa L.

I can’t take people anymore. They are so fucking gross and awful. –ditto

People are so god awful. They make me want to exterminate. The stupidity that runs like wild fire through our country is astounding. –Abby D.

Oh ladies, there are days when I’d press that button for a buck fifty. Some days you just hate humanity that much. –Shawn S., re: the movie The Box, wherein a couple is offered a million dollars to press a button that would cause the instant death of a stranger

The human race is a piece of trash as a whole. We would eat our own babies if it means we would get ahead. –Tom H.

Seriously, it is people who are despicable. It transcends all races. –Terry M.

As much as I hate the human race I still think they ought to be treated with some dignity. –ditto

Speaking of letting Jesus take the wheel...or in my case, sticking pins in a doll hoping that fate will smite someone mightily … –Shawn S.

Okay, now more than ever I’m convinced I should be castrated and never allowed to date. –ditto

If I ever date again, someone please just club me to death within the first week so I can avoid all of the rest. –ditto

It’s amazing that outwardly I can avoid making eye contact with someone while internally I’m sweeping the stale fasnachts off of the table and violating him in ways that even Hentai hasn’t touched. –Shawn S., on a work crush

And the fact that they call it [the Learning Channel] still is absurd. All I’m learning is that we’re going backwards in evolution. –Kendra H., on TLC’s trashy reality shows

I have makeup on this morning because I had to have a photo shoot for that award I won. I feel like a real professional! Even though I haven’t done a fucking thing today but type to you guys about beating people. –Melissa L.

I’m seriously thinking about starting to play the lottery every day. I’m fucking desperate and the only cure is a shitload of money. –ditto

Chris Brown has too many giant teeth in his head and I’d like to knock them out with a tire iron. –Shawn S.

They might be the crack of life, but damn, there is some messed-up junk that falls out of them, including most babies!!! –Tom H., on vaginas

I genuinely believe most average straight men could use one instance of having a woman knock their fucking lights out!! I would love to beat the living shit out of a straight stud who needs to be knocked down a peg! I crave it like it’s food. Maybe tonight at the auction I’ll brutalize a farmer. –Melissa L.

I want to make a YouTube video of throwing Missy’s corpse through my nosey neighbors’ window and set it to “Let’s Give Them Something to Talk About” by Bonnie Raitt. I would be sad to lose my BFF but if you gave me some vodka and played some high pitched noises you could probably get me hyper enough to stop mourning. –Terry M.

That’s always a shame when someone hot dies. –Melissa L.

I wish you had sent me a severed head for my birthday. I could set it outside so that it gets picked clean and then use the skull for crafts. –Terry M.

Every time our cleaning guy comes and cleans the ladies’ room, it smells like an oil can in there. And I walked in just now and thought, it smells like someone fucked the Tin Man in here! –Kendra H., on her work bathroom

Women’s bathrooms are fucking disgusting! They smell like Avon, shit, and menses. –Terry M.

I just walked in the women’s bathroom and it smells like someone shit cigarette butts! –Amy K.

Oh girl, the bathroom here today is filled with death! I gagged three times then had to try to breathe through my mouth today! Fucking old people shit rotted insides out...I swear! –ditto

Fantasy football is totally gay! My football fantasy is which players I want to bend over a pool table in a filthy roadhouse and give a good pounding! –Terry M.

I just got a new toothbrush with bristles, cups, and spikes. I had to use it right away. It felt so fucking amazing it made my thing tingle. I really “get off” on oral hygiene! –ditto

They do some weird fucking things in Asia. When we lived in Korea it was horrifying. –Kendra H.

Oh it would be disastrous for me to be black. They’d give me the electric chair the first time they caught me peeping in a white bitch’s windows. –anonymous

Americans don’t know how to fucking act. I figured this out a long time ago. –Abby D., on people’s behavior

What the fuck is the sense of having children if you can’t torment the fuck out of them? –Abby D.

What a nightmare contributing to society and being an adult has turned out to be. –Bob B.

The thought of contributing to society tomorrow is making me sick to my stomach. –ditto

I really hate interacting with society. Because people are stupid. –Danielle B.

I hate being back at work. It really infringes on my online time. –ditto

He also doesn’t drink or smoke...and tends to avoid profanity. Fuck. –Shawn S., on a clean-cut guy he met on a dating site

If she was on fire, I wouldn’t cross the street to piss on her. –Kendra H.

I hated myself once I realized how adorable Justin Timberlake was. He also seems really nice and level headed and funny and charming etc. etc. Maybe he could have a three way with Nate Berkus and Neil Patrick Harris. And when they’re all spent, they can clean up, dress all in crisp white and gently pet bunnies. OOH! And bottle feed lambs! That would be so adorable!!! –Terry M.

I should take up embroidery. I think it’s pretty and I really need a new hobby other than staring into space and scratching my head. –Melissa L.

I fucking hate jamming. I love that little bastard Jason Mraz, but in concert he turns every song into a 25 minute bongo jam session and it makes me want to pull out a gun and shoot myself. Still, his voice live is like a goddamn piece of velvet so I keep going back and torturing myself. –ditto

I really meant it when I said that we put the reception together not for us but as a way to say thank you to our friends for being the most glorious bunch of mental defectives that Satan ever had the nerve to create. –ditto, after her wedding reception

Seriously, we may be mental defectives, but goddamn, we are awesome. –ditto

I’m usually doing wifely duties like cooking dinner and cleaning it up. I am not super domesticated, but I do love to cook and try to have dinner on the table every night. I also spend a lot of time trying not to drive off a cliff after work. –Abby D., on what she does in the evenings

Just busy cleaning and laundry and crap. I do love being a housewife. Oh wait, I’m not a housewife. I have a full time job. –Kelly S., on what she does in the evenings

Oh, if we planned [a hike] up at Ricketts Glen with heat like this, I would force myself onto a sword and pull my guts out and let them dry in the sun like beef jerky... –Tom H.

She looks like Pippi Longstocking dipped in hot Crisco. –Stan W.

The only things I truly hate about the world outside are humans and sunshine. –Terry M.

That which doesn’t kill us makes us laugh our asses off. –Coreena H.

Someone should have told her that even though you’re eating for two the extra person is really quite small and doesn’t need much. –ditto, on a pregnant woman she knows

Well I just was making the bed and it got me so winded that I feel like my heart is going to explode. Eat another fucking cupcake, piggo. –Melissa L., on being overweight and out of shape

I just want to be a shut-in, although I refuse to use powder shampoo. –Terry M.

She’s so motherfucking crazy. She was made for me. –ditto, on Yoko Ono

Just missed a train because a fat chick was taking up the entire stairwell & I couldn’t squeeze past her without changing the earth’s axis. –David B.

My a-hole is still serving up green soft serve, so I called in sick again today. –Melissa L.

The thought of going to work the next three days makes me violently agitated and uneasy at the same time. I have no more patience with people, none! –Bob B.

I’m sure I’ll be back to just being apathetic about my job soon, instead of loathing it and wanting to spork out my own eyes just to leave early. –Coreena H.

At least you grew up in Lebanon where looking middle aged in Jr High was fairly normal. –ditto, on our hometown

Nobody does crazy like Lebanon does crazy! –ditto, on our hometown

Goddamn, we are creative folk! Especially when it comes to inflicting misery and pain on others. –Abby D.

She looks like a villainess from a telenovela. –Terry M., on one woman’s Twitter profile picture

She has a fucking charmed life. Except for the prison part. –Kendra H.

It’s okay to hate her. She was gross before the cancer. –Kelly S., re: us feeling guilty about disliking an unlikeable former classmate with cancer

I just realized what I look like. I look like 200 packages of hot dog buns stacked on top of each other. With a pair of eyes. –Melissa L.


an interlude of wisdom from Nate M.


That horrifying moment you look down into the toilet, forgetting you ate your weight in pickled red beets the day before.

I used to be a people person. People cured me of that.

When life hands you scissors, start running.

This could be your last day. Make it a good one.

Please be my Valentine. I want to bite you, spit you out, and stick you back in the box.

Something’s wrong when you regret things that haven’t happened yet.

I’m having an entire bag of limas for lunch. Cardio day at the gym later. Gonna be a party in my pants, ya’ll.

I ponder the fact that I’m single. And then I realize most guys cannot possibly meet my rigorous expectations. That, and I’m slightly psychotic. The truth will set you free, bitches.

I just changed my Grindr status. “Walmart should keep the Hefty bags and the hacksaws in the same aisle. Simply for convenience.” Let’s see how many hits I get.

Here’s hoping your day is filled with inappropriate laughter.

There are days I’m thankful that gay porn star thing didn’t work out. Today isn’t one of them.

The children in my classroom have all the everyday struggles that come with being an adolescent plus the additional challenge of doing it with some degree of handicap. I watch them struggle to learn. I see how some of them work so hard to accomplish the simplest task. And then I see them rise above all their limitations and become young heroes. Watch them long enough and you will learn the meaning of courage.

What a nightmare. I dreamed I fell asleep and awoke as a heterosexual Republican.

Punctuation is not optional.

My whole life is one big 2-hour delay.

Deliver us from the mainstream.

I’m lying in bed feeling miserable. Why?!? There’s a whole world out there I can make miserable! Here I come, fuckers.

I don’t condone violence. But I enjoy it!

You don’t have to believe in the thing under the bed. It believes in you.

One of the neighbor’s cats was sitting in my bird feeder this morning. I went into a fit. Screaming and yelling, running across my swampy yard in my bare feet. If you’re gonna have pets you better take care of them. I have half a notion to get some live traps and dump the critters in Jersey. My neighbors, not the cats.

Gurl, I don’t need to see an ass that close. I don’t wanna know what you ate for supper. [on the pictures he receives on Grindr]

I effed up my omelet. It makes me apprehensive about the day.

Is stupid a pre-existing condition? Cause I know several folks that would be able to get affordable health care.

You know what’s hot? A straight guy that recognizes another guy’s hotness. Be secure. It’s sexy.

Facing your fear is better than not knowing. Look in the closet.

So Chick-Fil-A set record sales on Wednesday and in my opinion widened the gap between Christians and the gay community. It did absolutely nothing to make the world a better place. It was a loveless act that benefited no one but CFA. I wonder if Jesus would have stood in line to get his deep fried, artery clogging sandwich or if He would flipped the money tables in angry protest? Anger at the way His “children” chose to demonstrate such an antagonistic point of view. If you wanna make a difference choose to love people with different opinions and views. Love hard when love is a difficult choice. Hang out with the masses the way Christ did. Show real sacrifice. Don’t simply eat a sandwich.

[Dunkin’ Donuts] was out of dark roast. The cashier’s nails were too long to efficiently retrieve my change. People have shot up establishments for less. TGIF.

I’m sitting at breakfast and there’s a pen in front of me that says, “Indian Valley Middle School, Home of the Warriors, Where Failure Is Not An Option.” Looking around Mifflin County I’d guess failure is a definite option.

I’ll watch the Olympics when they add a Flying Fuck event.

I’m not looking forward to dying but I sure could use the down time.

I don’t have much respect for anyone in striped socks.

I don’t support gay marriage. I don’t support straight marriage. I think marriage is a shitty institution. But I suppose everyone deserves the right to be in an institution.

Tomorrow is pajama day at school. I can’t wait to spend the day feeling like I’m shopping at Walmart.

Nothing good ever comes from “just Googling my symptoms.”

I’m excited for the election. We can all pretend to make a difference and move on to the next big thing.

If I had a single bullet for every time I thought about you, I would have an excellent chance of fatally wounding you.

If life is sometimes more than you can bear, remember: One day you’ll be dead. Now go get ’em.

I have to do laundry and clean my stupid toilet. If I had a husband I would beat and berate him while he did it. Then I would get drunk and vomit on my freshly laundered shirt and shit all over the clean toilet and fall asleep in the clean tub.

I just farted so violently that I do believe I may have lacerated my rectum.

I feel that I do not get to use “arterial spray” in daily conversation nearly enough. I suppose I’m in the wrong line of work.

I burn more calories during my workout by silently judging people.

You ever meet those people that don’t need a friend, they need a therapist? After they leave you feel like you shoulda gotten paid.

“Possum Kingdom” is on the iPod. This song always makes me wanna fall in love, kill them, and hide the corpse in a swamp. I’m a romantic.

I planted rapeseed one time and grew an entire college football team.

I’ve mind-numbing, panic-fueled OCD. I believe that everyday is the day I will have a massive coronary, aneurysm, and/or stroke. I’m a pulse-checking, breath- holding weirdo. In actuality I’ll fall down a flight of steps, impaling myself on a newel post and slowly bleed out while “Send in the Clowns” loops in my diseased brain.

About the only time I mind being single is when I need someone to fight with.

My favorite thing about golf is not playing it.

I love my friends so much I would like to pluck their beating hearts from their beautiful breasts and greedily devour the dripping organ. I’ll settle for a hug.

The best rescue is one that comes just in time. Never give up.

I like pain. My life has been one big experiment in terror.

That “people you may know” thing over there on the side [of my Facebook page]? Why don’t they call that “people that have no chance in hell of making my friends list”?

The best thing about Sundays? I don’t have to go to church.

Now to stagger to the shower and cry myself awake. –

I just left Kmart and I feel contaminated. When will it be legal to hunt humans?



I love this picture...it should be your Easter card. Nothing says Happy Resurrection, Jesus! like a porn store Easter card! –Kendra H.

Oh ladies...don’t even get me started on money management issues...I’m the douche that just spent $34 on a bunch of old bones. That’s a serious spending problem right there. –Shawn S.

Fuck me...I just placed a bid of $65.00 on a wholesale lot of loose butterfly wings. –ditto

Damn, that’d be hot to get Jon Secada’s face tattooed over mine. Just because. I should get my face pierced so that I have an entirely metal face. That’d get [Clay’s] attention. Can you imagine being fellated by someone with a metal face. I read in an interview with him, he was asked what he looks for in a woman. His answer was “a pulse, a heartbeat, and someone that does good things for others.” Why oh why couldn’t he say “obese with giant tits.” –Melissa L.

God, I think Stockholm Syndrome will be my only chance to have him fall in love with me. Hey, at least that means there’s still some hope, slim as it may be!! At least there’s a chance!!! –ditto

I also have come to the conclusion that my car is a Puerto Rican because it doesn’t like working when it’s cold. –Abby D.

Why am I obsessed with Bruce Jenner? –Amy K.

I think Shaun White should get a gold medal in ugly. –ditto

Oh, I think a pissed-off faggot can be angrier than a Minotaur!!! –Tom H. (who, incidentally, is gay)

I’ve been in with my boss getting my yearly review done. And by that I mean that we sat in there with her door shut watching clips of Lost and brutzing! –Rebecca C.

When Six Feet Under was over, I honestly felt like someone had ripped out my stomach, shredded it with a cheese grater, and stuffed it back in my body. I was a brutzing, vomiting mess. That show used to leave me feeling like I had been beaten with a baseball bat. –Melissa L.

Oh man, some of these guys look like they just crawled out of a booze barrel hidden in the woods. Which is to say, RRAWR. If I wasn’t a sick homosexual, I would totally chase after hard-drinking, brawling, living-off-the-grid Alaskan fishermen –ditto

I think Facebook is just one big cyberstalking warehouse. –Rebecca C.

Kelly S.: I don’t know that God understands text speak.
Terry M.: I don’t think he does; the kingdom of heaven is only open to those who type full words in their Facebook statuses.

Facebook is a wasteland without Jen. –Tom H., when I was offline for a few days while in London

I would love to chop off his head and feed it to crows. That would be an improvement though. –Abby D.

Kelly S.: I stopped being friends with Audrey the day she repeatedly punched me in the face.
Deana R.: Just ’cause a girl punches you in the face a few times doesn’t mean you can’t work shit out!

Oh girl, the Greyhound bus is as close to martial law as we will ever see. It’s almost post-apocalyptic. –Melissa L., after taking the bus from Pennsylvania to Ohio

Their relationship shows that if you settle, then there’s always at least one broken down, dirty, over-used lid for every over-sized, dirty/hair-covered, overly sweaty pot. –Rebecca C.

I plan to stay in and get things done around this place, and by get things done I mean goof off on the internet and read all day. –Coreena H., during a blizzard

Getting a half-assed hand job in a truck full of band instruments does sound pretty grim. –Terry M.

… I cannot for the life of me figure out his sexuality. I don’t think he has a sexuality actually. I think his genitals are merely a bag of non-working flesh. –Melissa L.

She’s like the drippings of a pretty girl. –Rebecca C.

God, I just want some creepy stalker to bed him and chop off his junk and put it in a meat grinder and feed it back to him. Do you think that was too much? –Tom H.

I think the cock is a fucking work of art. Ok, I should say a youthful normal cock, that is. Not like a damaged diseased piece of butcher scrap like [his] penis. There should be a rule that if your penis looks mangled you are not allowed to have one anymore and it gets chopped off. –ditto

Well, he’s not my fella yet. We’re just seeing how things go. He’s nice, he lives in Philly, and he has no desire to cut me into pieces and put my body parts in trash bags on the highway. –Coreena H.

[My cat] is eating the hell out of our tree this year. The constant vomit is a real holiday treat. –ditto

I believe this one is calling off tomorrow due to rage issues. –ditto, on needing a mental health day from work

I’m fucking foul-tempered today too. I just want to sit in my house and never leave and never see anyone and just let my fucking gross fat flesh meld onto the futon frame until the firefighters have to come and scrape the fucking goop off of it and fumigate the house. –Melissa L.

I honestly do enjoy camping, just not the bugs and rape. –Rebecca C.

I fucking love the Golden Corral. That food is like prison food, it’s just pre-manufactured fat and salt. YUM!!!!!! –Melissa L.

All I wanted to do was fucking lay! – Charlie T., on a trip to Britain with overzealous sightseers

Her face looks like it’s sculpted out of dog food. –Rebecca C.

His TV show makes me want to spork out my own eyes. –Coreena H.

I have Veteran’s Day off, which is awesome because I would have to lose 200 pounds in order to get into the armed forces. –Melissa L.

I’m gonna tell ya exactly what’s going to happen. First there will be a coming of a comet, then the Arabs will buy Mercedes Benzes, Obama will be assassinated by Manchurian Candidate Ru Paul. Biden will take over and turn all power over to Asia Minor. Ryan Seacrest will become the Antichrist and will show his lineage dating back to King David. The number will be obtained through specially marked boxes of Captain Crunch. The dead in Christ shall rise and perform Thriller. Beck, myself, and Chester will hop in a limo and drive really fast through L.A. as the city collapses falling in the ocean. I will pilot a plane and get us to Denver National Airport where we will get on The Ark, thus being rescued and surviving the Holocaust. The four horseman of the apocalypse will appear as follows. Famine will be Britney Murphy, disease will be Elton John, judgment will be Stallone, and death will be Quentin Tarantino. The water will turn to blood and taste like Lebanon city water ... –Phil C., re: the Rapture

Will God accept me in with my fatness, playing Xbox all the time, and masturbation? Only time will tell. –ditto

I feel that if I do get left behind I may give in and obtain the number of the beast. I would start to cave in once I couldn’t get food. –ditto

OH MY GOD JBO you are pregnant with the antichrist!!!!!!!!!!!!! –Amy K., jumping to the obvious conclusion when I complained about my menstrual cycle being out of whack

Oh girl, I just ate, so I tried to stay away from that sorry piece of slunk meat. That dead-looking thing hanging between his disgusting limbs. That skin tag of a dick that hangs lifelessly from his loins. It totally grosses me out thinking someone actually wants to meet up with him, and then touch that thing without rubber gloves on??? God, I would not even let my dog sniff that thing. That tired old lifeless piece of chewed up godforsaken subhuman penis. –Tom H., ranting about an acquaintance’s penis

Oh gag, a primarily vegan bathroom must smell like fucking Calcutta! –Terry M., on the bathrooms at my office when I worked at an animal protection organization where most of the employees were vegan or vegetarian

It’s weird, he kind of repulses me, yet arouses me. –Rebecca C.

I love when people try to be so weird that it just doesn’t even mean anything and looks like a pile of dirt on stage. That brings so much joy to my life. –Abby D., re: Lady Gaga’s performance at the MTV Video Music Awards

Original recipe KFC is put near the best thing ever, although I have to sit on my thumb to cork my asshole up before I’m even halfway through it. –Melissa L.

Oh that would be my fuckin’ luck, if my house was burning down and the fireman was too fat to rescue me. Oh girl, I believe that fireman would walk in and we’d take one look at each other and think “oh shit.” Also, I bet our seared flesh would smell like KFC. –ditto

I’m a dick, though; that’s a very useful skill for a snarky blog. –Terry M.

I just don’t want [my son] to follow in his father’s perverted gigalo footsteps. He is such a pig! –Amy K.

I’m very fat and lazy, but I work. –Phil C.

People, I can’t fucking stop eating today. I think I’m going to need an intervention. Good thing I have to go to work because barring running out of food, I think that’s the only thing that will make me stop. –Terry M.

According to WGAL, people exploded their fucking house at 11th & Lehman by setting off too many roach bombs and igniting a gas line. They then ran out onto the balcony, which collapsed. Hahahahahahahhahahahahahahhh, sorry I’m a monster, but I’m cracking the fuck up. –Melissa L.

Some days I feel a pang to foster a sad-sack foster kid, but then I remember that they always grow up to kill you, and I leave it go. –ditto

People born the year I graduated are now legal to drink. Kids I babysat in high school have kids of their own... this is an unacceptable situation. –Coreena H.

I love Sixteen Candles. I used to wish everyone would forget my birthday and Jake Ryan would show up with a cake but instead of eating it we’d just fuck. Then he’d go home, no time to cuddle because I want to eat that effing cake! –Terry M.

I wish [Obama] would sterilize everyone! We have enough fucking pigs in this world; we need to start dying and get the numbers back down. –ditto

Oh I can’t stand Glenn Beck. He looks like he’s been sculpted out of cream cheese. –Rebecca C.

I wonder what he would have sent me if he had heard me two years ago saying that I wanted to gut him like a fish and let little black girls play double dutch with his intestines? –Shawn S., after a crazy ex threatened legal action upon receiving well wishes from Shawn

I ain’t never said I wasn’t a whore...I just don’t care for the anal sex. –Coreena H.

I will gladly immolate myself at Kelly’s wedding and/or bridal shower, if that is what the bride wants. –Melissa L.

I think bats and a self immolation would make the wedding pictures really pop. –Coreena H.

Rigor [mortis] is an awesome thing. –Phil C.

Oh, sex with animals is disturbing. Even I draw the line somewhere. –Kelly S.

I am in no way going hiking if I have my period and bears are going to follow me. My monthies are bad enough without being torn apart by bears. I’m just sayin’. –ditto

Oh hell yeah, blood from the [penis] is a legit excuse for not hiking. –Shawn S.

You know, it would probably be easier just to hitch up a chain and drag a whole fucking mini-mart up the hill. –ditto, on the amount of food we planned to take on a hike and picnic

Rumer Willis is fucking hideous! She and Michael Phelps would have a baby that would be nothing but a giant head and flippers. –Kendra H.

Rumer Willis looks like an animal. –Kelly S.

The bunnies in our yard aren’t cute. They look like the victims of serious experimentation. –Coreena H.

Like horror movies, monsters under your bed, and nightmares, Fox News is just pretend. –Terry M.

You know behind that mask of upward mobility their souls are broken. –ditto

Abby’s pussy’s name is now Spaghetti Cat. It just can’t stop slurping up noodles. –ditto

There was lots of poison sumac we had to clear out so we wore turtlenecks, long pants tucked into boots, work gloves, hats, safety goggles, and bandanas over our noses/mouths. The one day we were coming out of the woods carrying axes, scythes, and a machete and Mr. Heilman jogged by in his shorty shorts and just said “hi fellows” like it was the most natural fucking thing in the world. –ditto

I really hate that comparison. After all, killing millions and wanting to provide health care are so similar. –ditto, when someone on Facebook posted a picture showing Obama with a Hitler mustache

I think god for women’s pitiful self-esteem every day, because it means the fugliest loser can score with the hottest babe!!! You never know, that may come in handy for me one day! –anonymous

But I guess if you are able to poop on someone’s chest and they stick around, you have a keeper. –Tom H.

I could never work in a place with 50+ post-menses women. I would end up slaughtering them all. And then I would drive all of their minivans off a cliff into a burning heap, and then crash into their house so I can break every single one of their Precious Moments knick-knacks. –ditto

There ain’t nothing wrong with being a pig from time to time. Not always, but from time to time. –ditto

See, I don’t think I have a problem with the people; I just don’t know how to be appropriate around them. –ditto

Shawn S.: How’s that saying go...“Fool me once...shame on you...Fool me twice...and I’ll disembowel you and feed you to my cat piece by piece.”
Melissa L.: Oh girl, I thought the saying with you went “Fool me once and I’ll bury you in Quikrete in my backyard.”

Missy’s infatuation with Clay enrages me too. I think we should pin her eyelids open and show her repeated footage of Clay’s asshole dilating. And every time she talks about Clay, spray her with skunk. –Terry M.

Damn, more and more I think the Mennonites have it right (except the clothing, ugly cars, and smelling like a barn animal). –ditto

Il Divo is torture, it is the kind of pseudo-classical shit that PBS airs to make hausfraus feel cultured and makes true snobs (like me) want to barf. I also hate Josh Groban, The Three Tenors, Celtic Woman (!!!!!), etc... I find it repellant and cheap like fine art on mass-produced greeting cards. –ditto

Nothing wrong with a little pressure on the prostate! –Joel S.

I can’t believe the Sleaze has started charging $1.50 for their crock pot meat. Will this economic crisis never end!!!!! –Melissa L.

I bet I’m the only one that got a letter from a nun telling me that I am a disgrace to the Catholic religion, due to the drink. –ditto

Gram is convinced that I’m going to get cancer from my tit bruise. Apparently this is an old [Pennsylvania] Dutch wives tale that you get cancer from severe bruises. Viggadee also seconded this, and said that she knows some woman who got kicked in the tit by a cow and then, like, immediately dropped dead of breast cancer. I fucking love that. Only Viggadee would know a woman who got kicked in the tit by a cow. Or would make that up. –ditto

Some greater power thought it would be funny to give me the “trio”: insatiable sex drive; tiny, tiny penis; excessively flabby midsection. –Leroy B.

If you needed someone in your no-no hole, all you had to do was ask. I might have even bought you some dinner first. –ditto

Shawn, I think you crossed some apocalyptic line by using the terms “fish fingers” and “no-no hole” in the same post. –Rebecca C.

For the past week all I’ve been watching is Holocaust and WWII movies!!! Ha ha! Nothing says the holidays like emaciated Jews. –ditto

Fuck you James Blunt!!! You are just trying to get some poon! ... Dude, he totally makes me snap! His shitty “music” brings out this primeval urge to murder the innocent! If it means that his music will stop I will wield a club and beat newborn babies, seals, pandas, cute little big-cheeked chipmunks, you name it, I will bash it to a pulp if it means that that whiney menstrual little girl will STFU! –ditto

If there are no longer pics of Charlie’s [family] jewels on the internet, then it truly is the end times. Armageddon is at hand! –Kendra H.

I was supposed to be an altar boy for St. Mary’s but my mother said my grades weren’t good enough. I guess in retrospect it was a good thing because I was ripe for molestation. –Shawn S.

I’m not talking negatively about him, I’m just saying that you could slice cheese with his cheekbones. –ditto

Methodists have grape juice instead of wine. Cheap bastards. –Kelly S.

Food is my everything right now. PMS - SEX = FOOD! –ditto

Shady Maple is my fave place to go for breakfast. The rule is that you have to eat your weight in bacon. –ditto

He said I don’t have to have butt sex with him! He clearly stated it via telephone! –Abby D.

Thank God for my dad. I guess he’s useful after all. –ditto

I think the worst form of humiliation she put us through was when she dressed us up as Raggedy Ann and Andy for Halloween and took pictures. My brother looks like he’s about to murder someone in every single one of them. Oh, he cried so bad because he wanted to be a vampire. The next year my mom did finally let him dress as a vampire, and he got so excited he threw up in a plastic Hills bag. –ditto

Rebecca C. Also, nobody wants to see the mess unda my clothes... Hot Damn!
Melissa L.: Now I have that Shakira song stuck in my head.
Jennifer B.: Shakira has a song called “nobody wants to see the mess unda my clothes... Hot Damn!”?

Jennifer B.: I’m all for a True Blood party! There are probably a ton of recipes online that involve fake blood (for Halloween); we could make cakes that bleed and whatnot.
Shawn S.: Oh ladies, we would have to figure out how to make a red velvet cake that bleeds raspberry sauce or something. Hot!!
Amy K.: Can we make the cake in the shape of an ass? It would be the rectal bleed cake.

I thought about beating him with my cane, but decided to quietly terrorize him instead. –Kendra H.

I did have rage issues. Seriously, if you try to fuck with a crazy, cane wielding, redheaded, hormonal, suicidal teenager, you deserve whatever you get. Even if that includes a concussion and a restraining order against you. And maybe a hickey. –ditto

When you are too stupid to own a pet, please take yourself out of circulation. Permanently. –Kendra H.

That’s the key to life, Jen...look happy and helpful while secretly harboring subversive rage. –Shawn S.

I’d like them better if my face didn’t look like a lump of self-rising dough. –ditto, re: the stylish borrowed glasses he was wearing in a photo

I look like a fucking bowling ball on top of 2 tits. –Melissa L.

You should never touch another woman’s spice rack unless you want your fingers chopped off. –Rebecca C.

... but good lord, put me in any room with a tranny or drag queen and she will flock to me just to give me grief. Jen, similarly to how crazies and retards migrate to you, I have these powers with gender illusionists. –David B.

So you know what crotchless underwear would look like on a Mennonite girl, right? Like ZZ Top in a ski mask. –Shawn S.

No one had better crap themselves at my birthday dinner. –ditto

You should have stuffed his venomous mouth with live fire ants then stitched his lips shut with a dull needle. They think Texas is barbaric with its death penalty policy. They have nothing on us. –ditto

If you eat that moth, I’m done. –Abby D., when a drunken Melissa swore she was going to eat a moth that just flew by

I’m gonna eat that motherfucker. –Melissa L., re: the aforementioned moth

I’m a jovial fat fuck. –Melissa L., while drunk

It would say, “Diagnosis: Beast.” –ditto (she was talking about what the medical report would say if we took her to the hospital for drunkenness)

The whole thing is just so sad and a good reminder that when your time is up, it’s up. So Carpe Diem everyone because one day you could go to work and fall over dead. –Angela W.

Sometimes, violence is the answer. –David B.

I hate relationship crap. I’m not even in one and they still piss me off. So much bullshit just to have something warm to rub up against! –Shawn S.

Relationship stuff is confusing and sickening and it makes me want to go on a random shooting spree. –ditto

Ugh. I know that they have been looking for the particular combination of hormones/pheromones that produce the euphoria associated with love. I think they should find it and then find a way to kill it. Nothing good comes of it! Pain, stress, and apparently projectile vomiting. –ditto

It never ceases to amaze me how unrequited love can make you want to see the person whom you have obsessed over suddenly wash up in charred pieces on some cold, gray shoreline. Love is a schizoid bitch-mistress. –ditto

What a fucking ridiculous nightmare the circus of love is!! I sit back and laugh at these peons who aren’t dead inside and who attempt to connect with each other in these silly ways. –Melissa L.

Life is so much easier without love in it. Honestly, I feel that way. When you see people who are miserable, most of the time it’s about love. At least when I’m miserable it’s usually about money, and I can make more of that if I have to. Romantic love does not yield in rewards what it does in heartache. –ditto

Love is retarded. I want no part of it. I’m so glad that I’m dead inside because I will never have to worry about any of this. –ditto

These silly women and their ideas. Thank God no one is ever going to ask me out. –ditto

I hate being a woman; we are always in this position of getting worked up over these asinine men. –ditto

Being a girl is fucking ridiculous sometimes. Especially when ridiculous boys are concerned. I’d say I wished we were lesbos, but all the lesbos I’ve known have been even more over-dramatic than us. And drunks, too. –ditto

I hate affairs of the heart. How absurdly normal and boring and mortal they are. –ditto

Ain’t love funny? One minute you want a stripper to shove a vial of black death up his ass, and the next you’re out buying Tiger Beat. –ditto

I wish there was a magic wand that could be waved to show women the douchebagness of their men. But then there would never be procreation. –ditto

Ugh...retirement. I think I prefer the option of just dropping dead when I reach the point of no longer being able to financially support myself. –Shawn S.

If [our hometown] had a Hellmouth, it would be on my property. That’s the kind of luck I have. –ditto

I listed my reasons for needing a transfer as anxiety and panic attacks on the drive to and from work. Nice! So thrilled that I’ve finally gotten mentally ill enough that I need to rearrange my life for it. I’ve finally had to request a job transfer due to mental illness. I should be proud.–Melissa L.

I fucking hate being busy. –ditto

Why do I feel the need to destroy my parents’ illusions? Oh right, I’m dead inside. –Shawn S.

I’ve just been so busy with work and with joining the gym that I haven’t had time to sit down and make a voodoo doll. –ditto

I should have smothered him in his sleep when I had the chance. –Shawn S., on an ex

He isn’t even worth the price of the gasoline it would take to set his body on fire. Girl, it would take at least a gallon to set all of that mess aflame…and I ain’t wasting the $3.29. –ditto

When the time comes to thin the herd, that one is going down. –ditto

Have you ever had Nutella? It’s some kind of weird peanut buttery stuff made out of hazelnuts and chocolate. I always have to laugh because on my jar it says “Try Kobe Bryant’s favourite!” and every time all I can think is “What? Forced intercourse?” –ditto

Yeah, my family is German, but I don’t swill beer, eat sausage, and exterminate whole races. Okay, I eat sausage, but not in any type of celebratory fashion. –ditto

You’re seeing patterns and clues where they probably don’t exist, J.Bo. I ain’t saying that you’re nuts, I’m just saying that you might be a little paranoid, that’s all. –ditto

And maybe it’s just me, but the school cafeteria always smelled of fear. –ditto

It looks like a GAP ad from an alternate universe. –Shawn S., regarding a group picture of our friends, when we were dressed up for a wedding

If the sky were falling, you’d run to take a picture and hope that you’d got a good shot! –Antoinette R. (Ah, my friends know me so well!)

Xmas makes me realize how much I hate my family. –David B.

Also, today I read either Hello! or OK! magazine; it had pics of Jordan with her retardo kid Harvey. I really wanted to laugh, but that would only ensure my damnation. –ditto

I am so over this whole election thing. Can’t we just shoot Bush and say he lost once and for all? –ditto

Yesterday I went to Sears over lunch and got a Bears t-shirt. It was like trying to get bread in the Soviet Union. –ditto, on buying a Chicago Bears shirt in Chicago three days before they played in the Super Bowl

I’m not dead. Spiritually, I’m not alive either, but technically I’m not dead. –Melissa L.

I’m so bedazzled by the sexiness...I can’t even think properly. Maybe I’m not dead inside after all!!! –ditto

If you are dying, though, I’ll buy you a “we’ll miss you” balloon. Maybe I’ll buy you one anyway, since technically we’re dying a little more every day. Maybe I’ll buy a “we’ll miss you” balloon for my dead spirit. –ditto

... I think that if I could muster up the energy, I might vote for him. Had I any emotion left in my broken, black shell of a soul, I’d say that I’d be happy if he won. –ditto

I gotta tell ya, a giant bowl of ravioli just numbed the horror of living for me for a while. –ditto

Dude, I would love to go to Iceland. I would love to go to Iceland when it’s constantly dark. I would just sit, in Iceland, in the dark, and stare. I wouldn’t move for a full week except to weep like my heart was being torn out of my body, all because of the numbing horror of life. Damn, that sounds like a good vacation!!! –ditto

Oh, how I love piss and shit stories. Really, I think they are what bring humans together and keep us from slashing each other’s throats. It’s like Daniel Carver and Louis Farrakhan could find common ground if they just sat down and talked about the times they shit their pants. –Danielle B.

Seriously, five people could take huge shits into the same toilet, let it sit overnight, and it would deliver a better performance and storyline. –David B., after seeing Basic Instinct 2

I can’t stand this. You have no idea how hectic my TV watching schedule has gotten. Oh, what the hell am I saying. You know about hectic TV schedules. It’s out of control though! AI! TAR! Showbiz Moms and Dogs! Air disasters! I can’t stand it!!!! –Melissa L.

I actually think bats are very cute; I just think they’re fucking rabid little bastards that were put on this planet to destroy me. Cute little faces, though! –ditto

She sucks and she’s so miserable—I love it. It’s Lent week. I shouldn’t be saying that stuff. Oh well, I’m not giving that up for Lent—just bread! –Antoinette R.

Women pull out shit from years ago and will give you exact dates of instances when they were wronged. I think you would be especially good at this considering your affection for detail. –Shawn S., offering me a heck of a compliment

Wow, you know you’ve hit a dry spell when a dog with a boner is the best offer you’ve had in long time. –ditto, when one of the dogs in my office begged for treats in my cubicle while sporting a big erection.

Man, why couldn’t I have that availability? I would’ve excelled in that class. Oh yeah, I graduated from a West Virginia university...they still think the south will rise again. –Antoinette R., upon learning about a mafia class being offered at a Rome university

Gay Pride. Well, there was pride all right—a pride of bison, often mistaken for lesbians. –David B., after attending Gay Pride in Vegas

I know how to be nice! What goes on in my head is another matter entirely. While I’m smiling and telling you that it’s “not a problem,” what I’m really thinking is “I wonder if my mouse cord is long enough to hang you from the light fixture?” –Shawn S.

We are freak magnets. Why? I think in general we are pretty intelligent, semi-normal human beings. We hold down jobs. We have meaningful conversation. But the wackos just zoom right on in. Maybe we are too nice...imagine that. –ditto

Maybe I’m too nice. Never thought I’d be guilty of that. –Terry M.

Using the puke bag as a weapon—now that is only something YOU would come up with, Jen Boyer!! I love it! –Angela W.

If I am going to be miserable [with a cold], I might as well do it at work and hope to get other people sick, too; my mama always told me to share. –David B.

I have so many great ideas for porn, it is not even funny. –ditto

I’m so happy about this development, I called in sick and am taking a day to watch porn and eat mashed potatoes in my underwear. –Melissa L.

We should start a business of making piñatas and filling them with vile things of the customer’s choice. I think that’s got a place in the revenge biz. –Melissa L.

What’s this, Wednesday? God, it never ends does it? –ditto

Did I ever tell you that I passed out in the snow outside of a seedy Puerto Rican gay bar in Lancaster? Passing out in the snow fucking sucks. –ditto

I can’t believe that asshole of a president vetoed that stem cell bill. I’m so unbelievably tired of Christians. I want to roam the streets of [our hometown] with a bullhorn shouting, “Hey, guess what assholes! GOD’S. NOT. REAL!” I bet people would drive by and pelt me with pot pie. –ditto

They were a few miles away from the diner they were going to and Charlie’s tire popped. As they were out of the car by the roadside changing the tire, this giant pack of crows just came out of nowhere and swooped over them and all simultaneously shat at once. There was so much crow shit pounding down around them that it sounded like a rainstorm. And the best part was, they had nowhere to shower and no clothes with them to change into, so they had to stumble into the diner covered in crow shit. –ditto

Oh goddamnit, I’m not letting anyone realign anything or wave crystals over my head while chanting. None of that hokey, holistic, qigong-ding-dong shit. I need to punch, kick, and stab something. I prefer the traditional Western answer to stress...bottle it up and then once it becomes unbearable, release it on the masses in a flood of carnage. –Shawn S.

Diapers are disgusting. If I ever have kids, I’m going to train them to use the litter box as soon as they can crawl. –ditto

You haven’t lived until you’ve expelled bile-laced pasta through your sinuses. –ditto

Girl, I’m so tired right now I could probably fall through my own asshole and hang myself. –dito

She was kind of a big girl, not fat, but really tall and solid, like, everything was just a little too big, you know? –ditto

Tengu had me so pissed at him yesterday I actually spanked him with a fake poinsettia. Merry effing Christmas. –ditto, re: his cat

Most of the emails are prayers or nauseatingly sweet messages about rainbows and angels and puppies kissing kittens. It makes me want to vomit. I can only handle so much cute before I have to kick an old person just to clear my head. –ditto

How appropriate that National Quirkyalone day is February 14th. Now I don’t have to call it “Lock my door and cry alone in my room day” or “Give every happy couple a dirty look day” or “So long as I can make it till 5:00 I won’t kill myself today day.” –ditto

Maybe he wouldn’t mind a woman with a bawdy mouth—it would make up for him never swearing. Man, I bet he’d look at me with a mixture of horror, shock, and revulsion if I ever met him. Oh well, why be different than any other guy. –Melissa L.

We should do a reality show where we tell men that I’m a multi-millionairess, and that I’ll marry them and give them half of my money, and see how many run when they see that I’m fugly and morbidly obese. –ditto

When I splurge on mags like InStyle or Cosmo, to make my blood boil over how much I hate magazines for women, I always spend the extra money on the British versions! It’s much more pleasant to read magazines geared to make women hate themselves if you can read them in a British accent! –Danielle B.

A few weeks ago, my friend Marisa and I used our planning time at work to look for mp3s of all the theme songs from ’80s nighttime soaps. Then we played them on a loop, even while the kids were working at their desks. –ditto

Oh, they’re fucking respectable all right. –ditto, when I said that my love of Dallas, Dynasty, and Knot’s Landing weren’t very respectable

Ipecac couldn’t be more effective than seeing me in my bra. –JLB

I’m an ulcer waiting to happen, but on the bright side, I’m so avoidant that I’ll never get it checked out and it will cause me to bleed to death internally! Haw haw haw! –Shawn S.

Yeah, it’s kind of sad isn’t it? We are now officially getting as much action as people with serious physical deformities. –ditto

dOOd, I HATE SUVs. There’s no reason for them. There is no sense...unless you’re like a fucking mountaineer or something, and if you were, you probably wouldn’t be caught dead in 90% of these fucking stupid SUVs that are nothing more than giant cars. I also hate SUV drivers because they get these giant vehicles and have no idea how to drive them. There is simply no reason for anyone who lives in a major metropolitan area to have an SUV. It’s not like you live in some remote wilderness area where you have to crunch over 5 feet of packed snow to get to your closest neighbor’s house so you require a powerful behemoth of a vehicle to get you there. That said, I think the Porsche Cayenne SUV is one of the hottest things I’ve ever seen and if someone offered me one, I would gladly take back everything I just wrote. –Melissa L.

Last night I was still incredibly hungry for tikka masala, so Charlie picked up takeaway from the place in Dover. When he brought it home, do you think it was tikka masala? Nope! It was chicken motherfucking curry. I’m not real wild about chicken curry and I was filled with rage while eating my dinner. Just one more fucking cross to bear. –ditto

I don’t have a calling card and I don’t want to charge the charges to work, because I have some scruples. Actually, I just think I’ll get caught and I don’t want to get in trouble. I have no scruples. –ditto

I’m terrified that when she finds out that I didn’t call him, she’s going to rip off my head and shit down my neck. –ditto

Nothing new has happened. I’m still ugly, and life’s still hard. –angst-ridden 15-year-old me, in my journal, on September 28, 1989

Isn’t it sad how the only thing that urges us to care about our bodies is the improbable event of someone actually wanting to sleep with us? –Shawn S.

And hey, look on the bright side...even though you were dehydrated, ashen, and smelled like sewage, at least the guys across the street and the old guy at the grocery store found you hot. –ditto, after guys flirted with me when I was forced to go to the grocery store while recovering from a stomach virus

There’s no way to be seductive when you’ve got bug eyes. –Vickie Smith

If Missy, Tony, and I were on a team, it would turn into Lord of the Flies so damned fast. We would be cannibalizing all the other teams and hanging their entrails from the balconies. –Danielle B. re: us competing in a VH1 pop culture tournament

God! That is really sad that you needed to plan an escape route because of crazed co-workers. That’s a pretty clear sign that Human Resources isn’t doing their job. –Shawn S., re: a hellish former job of mine

That’s just such a fucking shame that you worked at a place where you had to even consider keeping a football helmet in your desk for protection. –Melissa L., re: that same job

I want to be a celebrity so bad. I want to be a celebrity in Britain so The Mirror can plaster huge photos of me running from the paparazzi under the headline “Missy’s Agony at Photog Shock.” –Melissa L.

I really want to “do it” with Wills. Can you imagine that shocker? “Wills Agony in Obesity Shock.” “Wills Shame in Obese Hermit Shock.” –ditto

Morrissey shock in obese sloth horror! I can’t wait to see him tomorrow. I hope he vomits when he sees me because I will be the walking embodiment of fat America. I also hope that BB5 Dan is there, and he gives me the Shell haircut, then convinces me to audition for the X Factor, where I will become the new star in Britain, and will put the final nail in the coffin of the marriage of Bryan and Kerry McFadden. Then I will be interviewed by telly presenters Fiona and Eammon and they will expose that I am in a shock affair with the entire band Girls Aloud and I will be exiled from British society. –ditto, before a Morrissey concert

I was just thinking last night about how he was sweating like a stuck pig at our last reunion and it really embarrassed me. I mean, he was significantly sweating more than anyone else in there. I know it was a million degrees and all, but come on, maintain some dignity. –Melissa L.

Jesus, there is some profile on the news of a 9th grader at Pequea Valley HS who just flew to Mozambique to volunteer at an AIDS orphanage. The contrast between that and us as 9th graders is nothing short of staggering. –ditto

Well, I got home to a rare treat last night. Someone had shat all over the house, from one end to the next. I walked in and got smacked in the face by this horrifying smell. I honestly thought that an animal had crawled in the house and died. I was seriously running around the house throwing open the closets and rummaging under beds looking for this dead animal. Then I walked into the living room and saw the pile. I cleaned it up, then I looked to the left. The rug in our living room was just smeared with diarrhea. There was diarrhea everywhere. I was gagging so bad, I just had to roll up the rug and immediately throw it in the trash (thank goddess for hardwood floors). I couldn’t believe that one of the animals could make a mess like that, and I actually checked the screens because for a moment I was convinced that someone had broken into the house and shat on the floor and then left. I still can’t figure out who did it. I mean, it had to be a dog because a cat couldn’t shat like that, but I can’t figure out which dog. You would think that after a mess like that, they would appear sick, but both of them were totally normal. I gave them both a Pepto pill though just to be sure. –Melissa L.

Then, to make it even better, I just split my fucking pants. Right up the ass. Didn’t even notice it until I was walking down the hall and someone I know pulled me aside and informed me that my pants are split right up the ass and my zebra striped underwear is hanging out. w00t!! –ditto

So what are you getting that smirking lothario for xmas? Or aren’t you getting him anything? I think you should bring him a withered old whore from Atlanta. One who’ll rasp, “Take a bite out of this Georgia peach, sonny!”while forcing his face into her desiccated bosom. –JB

For the record, I never liked the video for the original [David] Bowie/[Bing] Crosby duet. I just thought it had a very creepy air to it, like they had gathered around that piano to sing after ass-fucking and eviscerating a bunch of kids they had tied up in the basement. –JB

Did you know that there’s an International Organization For Heterosexual Rights? I just saw their website. It makes sense...since, you know, heterosexuals have no rights. –JB

Yeah, we’re mean, but how else are we expected to trudge through a Wednesday with our sanity intact? –JB

I never got that vibe off her, but hey, whatever floats your unmedicated, bioplar boat. –JB

He said one of the doctors actually said “In any surgical procedure there is an element of risk.” WTF? I’ll remember that in case the next time I have my teeth cleaned, the dentist accidentally rips out my prostate. –Shawn S., after an acquaintance’s minor sinus surgery went horribly awry

I had my tooth removed. OMG. What started out as a normal [dental] visit very quickly became a reenactment of a prison rape scene. –Shawn S.

I’m sitting here at my desk constantly bursting into stifled laughter at the thought of having to wear garbage bags and duct tape while being hosed down at Chernobyl. There are only 2 people on earth who would think of that as a vacation, and that’s you and I. Jen, we HAVE to do this. ... it HAS to be done. You and I (and only you and I, it’s the only way to do it) simply were born to board a bus to the Ukraine and travel through Eastern Europe. Local freaks will follow behind our bus like it’s the pied piper. There will be a caravan the whole way from Budapest, Hungary, all the way to the gates of Chernobyl. –Melissa L.

If I win the lottery, girl, this is what we’re going to do. First, I’ll buy you a house. Then, we hit the road. We’re going to hit all the hot stops—East Moriches, Montoursville, Colleen Stan, Lockerbie, Chernobyl, a coupla gulags, Duluth, GA, for the runaway bride, some concentration camps, and maybe a Clay Aiken concert or two. You name it, if it causes destruction, we’re gonna visit it. Hot diggity dog, I’m gonna start playing the lottery!! –ditto

Why not? Don’t we already have the Devil in a Christian’s clothing in the presidency? At least this guy recognizes that people will find his religious beliefs to be off-the-wall and doesn’t appear to be pushing those beliefs on his would-be constituants. –Heather H., after I sent her the website of some Satanic vampire dude who planned to run for governer of Minnesota

I have no desire to ever have contact with another human being’s body. The thought makes me shiver with fear and sickness. It turns my stomach and makes the bile rise in my gullet. –Melissa L.

Thank God my urge to mate is so stunted that most physical contact sickens me. –Shawn S.

Nothing says fun in the sun like being tasered and losing bladder control. –ditto

He’s good looking, and if you have the misfortune of being British, that’s a rarity. –ditto

Normally I’d say “have fun” but that seems like kind of the wrong thing to say when visiting a photo exhibit involving nuclear disaster. –ditto, when I told him I was planning to attend a Chernobyl 20th anniversary photo exhibit

We only got cable back yesterday and after being TV-less for so many weeks, I have completely forgotten the TV schedule. I was like an unfrozen caveman last night, sitting in front of the TV, grunting and looking puzzled while I tried to work the remote. –Melissa L.

I just don’t understand the ways of the human anymore. –ditto

After the fire was contained, I began to gag and retch in a release of compartmentalized terror. –ditto

She can’t clean herself right because she’s so fat. She got so pissed about it that she finally managed to get back at her ass and chewed off all of the hair around her ass. I took her to the vet and when the vet saw her ass, he yelled “HOLY SMOKES! This is all chewed up!!” God bless Delaware. –ditto, on her cat

I’m just going to drive to Salisbury and go to Barnes and Noble. And treat myself to Chick-Fil-A. Hell, maybe I’ll do that anyway. Love that it’s a treat to go to Chick-Fil-A. Good job ruining your life, Missy. –ditto

I just have this feeling that I’m going to spend this weekend alternately surfing websites, shoving cake in my maw, and weeping. –ditto

I love when company fun-days make you come home with a raging tension headache. I suppose that’s when you know it’s time to bid [the job] adieu. –ditto

OMG, I haven’t heard that much self-serving mental masturbation for quite a while! It makes no sense! It’s like he pulled out the dictionary and looked up all the big words, then tried to stick them in a poem, but then realized that it didn’t make sense, but hoped that in being obscure and disjointed it would be considered ironic and deep. That’s reason enough to want to hang him from a tree and beat him with sticks until his insides spill out like some piñata from Hell. –Shawn S.

Musical was kind of a horrible conglomeration of freaks, wasn’t it? Most of our disastrous relationships in high school were begun in that auditorium; it was like where geeks go to spawn. –ditto

Yeah, I don’t think any of our friends stand a chance of getting placed any higher then the 5th ring of Hell...and that’s if they lie on their entry applications. –ditto, after taking a “Which Ring of Dante’s Hell Are You Going To?” quiz

Remember in college, I would eat Golden Grahams with dinner!!!! But then again, I ate like EVERYTHING with dinner—pizza, Chinese, salad, milk, diet coke, water, cake, cereal… –David B.

I am becoming obsessed with the idea of us going into the Cinderella Shoppe to get fitted for my wedding. I just want to see the looks on their faces when we ask for a frilly adult baby outfit for Chaz, a centaur outfit for [Shawn], and an assless tux for Bootsy. –Melissa L.

This weekend, I am going to sit in my pajamas for at least 48 hours. I am not even going to go outside the house to take the garbage out. I plan to just sit and stare. And maybe eat pudding. –ditto

I wanted him to worry and suffer. Because that’s what love is all about, dawg. –JB

We all have our crosses to bear. Yours just might be an ectopic fetus which is aborting itself from your throat piece by piece. –ditto

That would help me temporarily forget the fact that since I can’t get a man to love me when I’m healthy, my changes of getting someone to love me when I’m confined to a wheelchair are below zero, unless you count wheelchair fetishists. –ditto

And what kind of commie pinko bastards do you work for that don’t give you Veteran’s Day off? I’m still sitting at home, lazing on my couch in my long flannel nightgown, with not a possibility of getting a shower in sight. Thank you veterans, for keeping us free so that I may sit on my couch, eating vegetable soup and intermittently masturbating. –anonymous

Ugh, sorry, I had to attend a United Way breakfast and try to pretend that I give a rat’s ass about society. Well, I guess that’s not entirely true, I do care about the poor and downtrodden, but some of the people you have to deal with to help them are just insane. –Shawn S.

I fucking hate practical jokers!!! What the fuck retarded ape even thinks practical jokes are funny anymore? They’re so not! –Melissa L.

What if [he] throws me in the loony bin before American Idol tonight? I’d just die. I bet loony bins in Delaware are hellish throwbacks to the early 1900s. –ditto

How am I going to meet him? You have to help me engineer a series of misadventures that will allow us to meet him. We should just go on a wild road trip from state to state bouncing checks and crashing cars all the way, like in a wacky buddy movie. “Clay—I’m willing to suspend disbelief in Jesus for you!!!” “Clay—I’ll believe in the terrible lie for you!!!!!” –ditto

Food where the color has been altered to be cute is just disturbing. I can’t choke down green or purple ketchup. Even some colored chocolates make me suspicious. –Shawn S.

We all have our little problems and quirks, but that group of nut jobs just takes it to a new level. The part of me that would want to hook up and share my life with someone is continually beaten back down by the part of me that says “This is what is waiting out there! Cover your head and find a happy place. Check back in a couple of years.” I know not everyone is a freak, but my track record ain’t so good when it comes to finding normals. –ditto

Today is one of those days where it’s all just too much. Just going through the motions of the day, it’s just too much to ask of me. –Melissa L.

Hey, I gotta tell ya—squeezing peanut butter out of a tube? One of the most revolting acts a human being will ever have to witness. –ditto

God, I hate the loud, dimwit women that work near me. I can hear them shrieking and laughing over stupid, provincial jokes and idiotic forwards about babies and husbands all day long. –ditto

I think there’s nothing wrong with us other than the fact that we don’t flirt, don’t giggle, and don’t project interest in every man we meet. We project individuality, and well, I guess the only people that are interested in that are street lunatics and psychotics. It says more about men than it does us. I have no respect for men. Honest to god, I have no respect for them, I just think they’re sad, pitiable creatures who have lost all sense of direction and purpose. –ditto

I never knew it was such a production to cough up one hairball. She sauntered into my room around 11 pm, and laid on the floor, so I knew that something was wrong because she always sleeps on the bed, never on the floor. She was panting really badly and just looked miserable. So miserable that I sat up until 1:30 monitoring her. Finally, she started barfing, and then was immediately fine. Acted like nothing had ever happened, and like I wasn’t on my hands and knees scrubbing barf off of the carpet at 2 am. I love cats. –ditto

I am really obsessed with my rash, but then again, I guess anyone who had giant, raised, fiery red splotches on every part of their body, including their lips and palms, would be. I guess any time regular clothing feels like you’re sitting at your desk all day wearing a suit of flames, you’d tend to be obsessed. But you know the miraculous thing? This rash spared my genitals and anal area. If I believed in god, I would think that he had a hand in that. –ditto

Today is one of those days where all the little annoying things just come at you like bees. Killer bees. Killer bees with annoying cell-phone ring tones. –Shawn S.

You have the coolest office. People actually care if their coworker lives or dies. It must be nice. –ditto

We get tons of pics of our unworthy nieces and nephews, but none of the cool ones. –David B.

I can only think of like 3 topics that they had on Degrassi Junior High that my “glamorous” family hasn’t touched yet. –ditto

I’ve gotta get off so I can fight. –Antoinette R., excusing herself from the phone so she could yell at her husband

I think they were from Jersey—talk about sounding funny. The whole state sounds like they took speech lessons from Marlee Matlin. –Shawn S.

Some people from New Jersey came to look at our house this weekend. I couldn’t tell if they were stoned, or just from Wildwood. They were really pitiful wretches. –Melissa L.

Well, it’s better than B.O. –Michelle Gates, when Melissa L. commented that she wanted to make honey her signature scent

Once again I am amazed by a human being who has failed to pass an intelligence test that a mildly retarded chimp could sail right through. I hate him. –Shawn S., on his former tenant

I hope that I don’t have bubonic plague from fleas. Now I’m nervous. Oh god, I can’t wait to settle down with Clay and raise disabled goats. We’ll be so happy on our disabled goat farm. Everyday will be beautiful. During the week, we’ll raise disabled goats and on the weekends we’ll teach Sunday school, and of course during the summers, I’ll teach Vacation Bible School, and life will be so gorgeous. –Melissa L.’s delightful train-of-thought

[His] failure to recognize the history of our family for the sick game of genetic roulette that it is really pushes me over the edge. When you start adding up the defects, disorders, and diseases that hang out in my family tree, it’s truly frightening. –anonymous

The irony that I’m her godfather, and should be seeing to it that she is brought up in the church, is not lost on me. Screw that. We were monkeys, are still monkeys and will always be monkeys...and I will cite her mother’s family as proof. Some of them missed a rung on the evolutionary ladder. –anonymous

From our 7th grade years full of pimples and awkwardness to our adult years full of pimples and awkwardness times three... –Antoinette R., in a friendship card to me

You know, if it wasn’t for autism, my day would be so much more peaceful...but these are the types of unfortunate occurrences that we have to deal with when otherwise intelligent women make babies with slovenly, ingrate Semitic pigs. Let that be a warning to you! –Michelle G.

I wish I were a dog. I would run up to some handsome, smart, intelligent, kind man and start humping his leg! –Angela W.

My god, I don’t understand healthy people!! –Melissa L.

Monday mornings are such shocking disappointments. I can’t stand working. The thought of performing work really turns my stomach. –ditto

And yay for the second job!! It’s always nice to find a second job that doesn’t make you think about slamming your car into a tree. It’s always good when you don’t have to spend the drive home from work white-knuckling the steering wheel, in a constant, arduous struggle with your mind, to keep from driving off the road into a bridge abuttment. –ditto

Ah yes, the lovely, shocking smack in the face that is returning to work. How I enjoy it so. –ditto

... returning to work is heartbreaking. It honestly kills my spirit a little more each morning. –ditto

Oh, man it’s hard to come back to work after a couple of days off. I don’t want to do a freaking thing. I just want to sit and stare. And eat pudding. We had a delay this morning so at least I got to stave off the agony as long as possible. My commute to work this morning was bizarre and riddled with near-miss accidents. For some reason, every 5 minutes packs of birds would fly out of nowhere in front of my car and I would have to swerve wildly to avoid them. –ditto

Oh girl, this going-back-to-work shit sucks. I am going to pray to god every night that one day, I will be a housewife. Or at least a wife. Or at least alive. –ditto

If they knew an uber liberal democratic gay vegetarian athlete was coming to town they’d cringe. –David B., after attending a wedding in a small Pennsylvania town

I think you & Michael Ian Black would make a great couple. Oh the laughter would run aplenty. Even if he did a serious movie, like, oh I don’t know, Saving Private Ryan, I would just bust out laughing, even if he was not intending to be funny. –David B.

We are all so hot. Moaning, drooling, snoring, ooh baby, the fact that no one has snatched us up just defies all logic. –Shawn S., re: the sleeping habits of us and our friends

Good lord are we fucked-up souls. –Terry Mumma, reminiscing about the animated Spiderman films the two of us used to create on his computer

There is a little kid in our lobby screaming and crying and yelling, “Mommy slapped my thing. Mommy slapped my thing.” It’s days like these that make working at the welfare office worthwhile. –Melissa L.

Have a happy new year! I hope you have a great night tonight. You deserve it, and hey, let’s try to feel a little bit of hope in our hearts that 2003 isn’t a disaster, huh? My New Year’s Resolution for 2003 will be to not die. –ditto

There is a reason why people don’t know what goes on behind their neighbors’ closed doors. –ditto, upon finding her neighbors’ stash of homemade porn

I wish I didn’t know that Christianity was a lie so I could believe that god heard my prayers for sweets. –Melissa L., after a neighbor unexpectedly brought her a basket of cookies

I would still like to see [her] compete for his love via physical challenges. Maybe in a Triathalon of Gore, or a Triathalon of Horror, wading through rivers of blood, shooting at [her family] as they are forced to be moving targets and eating mounds of human flesh. I’d like to see her have to belly flop repeatedly (in a bikini, natch) until her stomach is black with festering blood, then immediately get up and run, huffing and puffing and panting, to a course where she has to keep plopping her ass on balloons to pop them. And this wouldn’t be, like, 2 or 3 balloons; we’re talking 20 or 30. She’d have to keep getting up and plopping down, up and plopping down, over and over, and we’d have a time limit so she’d have to do it fast. By this point, she’d be so out of breath and sweaty, but she couldn’t stop, or she wouldn’t win ____’s love. After the balloon bustin’, I’d like to revert to the old stand-by of a hot dog eating contest, but I want her to keep getting more and more tired, so I might make her eat the hot dogs while jogging in place, or on a treadmill. Actually, maybe I’ll make someone shoot at her feet to make her dance while she’s eating the hot dogs. When her stomach is filled to bursting and she’s reeling around, looking for a place to vomit, she can be corralled into a ropes course where she has to cross an alligator pit on a tightrope with the alligators hissing and snapping at her ass, because we’ve tied raw chicken to her bikini bottom. If she completes all those things, she can be eligible to give ____ a blow job. Oooh! I’d also like to see her have to crawl in a bikini through a field of Quik-Dry cement. That would be hotttt!!! –Melissa L.

Hey, here’s an idea for the Triathalon of Horror. Make [her] run through a wall of burning fire. That should be her first task, because how horrible would it be to run through a wall of fire, in a bikini, then have to eat 10 pounds of hot dogs, and then pop balloons with your ass. I mean, all you would want to do after that wall of fire would be [to] jump in water to try to cool your flaming skin down. It would be fucking torture. So maybe we’ll make it a Quadrathalon of Horror and her last task, after the Wall of Fire, Hot Dog Eatin’, Balloon Bustin’ Feats, can be the Belly Flop. Can you see her frantically scrambling up the diving board ladder to get to the water as quickly as she can? And the animalistic howl of pain when she has to get out of the pool and back up the ladder to repeatedly belly flop? –ditto

J.Bo, J.Bo, she’s da man
if she won’t eat it
then it must contain the charred flesh of another sentient being, you death-mongering predator!
–Shawn S.

Our lady who art humane
J.Bo be thy name.
Thy kitties come, their will be done
on earth as it is in heaven.
Give us this day our munchy snacks
and forgive us our jerky trespasses
as we forgive those who force us to eat them.
Lead us not into temptation and deliver
us from pork products.

And I love looking at pictures of myself from high school because it reminds that I gained over a hundred pounds when I became addicted to drugs and alcohol. HOTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT! –Melissa L.

This is ridiculous! You’re a fucking disgrace! –Michelle G. to Melissa L., when Melissa was sloppily drunk

I am actually not in a men-hating stage right now, but guys are pigs. –David B.

I will be lost without my teacher, mother, and secret lover, the TV. Goddamn I’m over this terror shit. –Melissa L.

Man, the TV is a god to me. –ditto

This whole terrorism thing is freaking gay. –ditto

No part of me enjoys the camping experience and I won’t take part in it, not even to be a team player. –ditto

Damn them and their purple pride. –David B., on our alma mater, the University of Scranton

No one’s gonna know, J.Bo. ... Damn you and your vigilance to specifics. –Melissa L., when I primly declared that two songs would not make it onto my Class of ’92 mix, since they were not released specifically during our 12th grade year

It’s those things that seem like almost nothing that can, in the end, nearly kill you. –Angela W.

It is a Catholic tradition to wear the ashes until you shower again. For some Catholics that could be DAYS! –Mark B., joking about Ash Wednesday

Why on earth do we live lives like this???? I mean, I guess they fit with our personalities, really, but isn’t it so ridiculous?? –Melissa L., bemoaning the pathetic lives she and I lead

My god, Jen, we honestly cannot relate in normal human society. It’s fucking hilarious, though. –ditto

Oh, people are so silly, the things that they do. I will never understand the ways of the human. –ditto

I find him vaguely troubling. Maybe it’s just because I know what he’d say if a lard ass with tuberculosis like me showed up on the other end of his jaunty personal ad. Especially if I had a scarf that reeked of gasoline wrapped around my mouth and nose. He sounds like he’d make you participate in extreme sports. –Melissa L., after reading a personal ad I sent her

May god smite him for being a fool. –Melissa L., regarding a boy who broke my heart

So today I kind of like him. But mind you, on the great roller coaster of love, I still want to eviscerate him and feed him to [my dog]. –Melissa L.

I am convinced again that he doesn’t like me. He makes me sick. I really want to have sex with him. –ditto

I celebrated Martin Luther King Jr.’s life by cleaning out the closets, doing laundry, and cooking a dinner that I think is going to give me the shits in about an hour or so. Later, I will also masturbate. –Melissa L., on Martin Luther King, Jr., Day

Who would hook up with somebody whose teeth are not only missing, but brown and soft? Yuck. Nobody can have that great a personality. –David B.

Does super PMS strength make you stronger than retards? –Mark B.

I think I have an impulse control disorder when it comes to Facebook! –JLB

I fucking hate salad. Maybe I should use mini Kit-Kats as croutons. –Melissa L.

Every time I feel anxious, I should do crunches. I was thinking about doing crunches on the floor of my office today, but I think it’s kind of mentally ill to do that. –ditto

If it makes you feel any better, I really fucking smell today. … I mean, I smell so fucking bad that I don’t even want to close the door to my office because I am afraid that the stench will fester. –ditto

I may be dressed in all black, but face it, I’m the only sunshine in your life. –Mark B., to his boss

Things I don’t understand just piss me off. –Michelle Gates

My god I’m a ridiculous creature. –Melissa L.

I find that most flirting tactics from elementary school work. –Angela W.

I’m a mess. But a reliable one. –Mark B.

Jen, that is hot that crazy fat kid hit on you at Weis, although I, too, would have met it with a mixture of humor and horror. We are weirdo magnets, god bless our hearts. We should form our own alternate-universe version of Sex and the City. –Melissa L., after the town freak hit on me in the supermarket

All I ask is to be a famous socialite. –Terry M.

He’s running for Republican something or other. I think he is one of the flunkies that may carry paper from one office to the next. Basically a job that any able-bodied chimp could do. –Shawn S., on a former classmate of ours

Yep, cause you know that any culture that manages to combine Christianity, voodoo, and animal sacrifice into one will definitely deify that mess. –Shawn S., on our conviction that a person we knew would become a Santeria/Voodoo priestess

Wow! Good job getting all that stuff done in under an hour! With the pace of life that you and I move at, that’s a fucking achievement. –Melissa L., after I told her about all I accomplished during my lunch break

You have to look at the pattern of our lives when making this trip, J.Bo. Whatever can happen to us, will. The Stansted transfer is just begging to be a nightmare. Those who do not learn from history are doomed to repeat it. –Melissa L., when I was planning my flight to Scotland

These are Dutch people, for god’s sakes; being sensible and well-prepared goes out the window as you cross the county border. –ditto, when I asked her if her family had evacuation kits prepared, in the event of terrorists striking Three Mile Island

I don’t know why you would take the collectively dumbest people in the country and plant them all in the evacuation zone of a massive nuclear power plant. They’re just sitting ducks. –ditto, talking about Pennsylvania Dutch people and Three Mile Island

[our hometown] has a plague that does not leak from the county limits. I know this! People here cannot communicate. Even in Shamokin, which is a much smaller town, I see people in shops and even if they are stupid, they can still communicate in an effective way. –Terry M.

Maybe all of [our hometown] is god’s punishment for being gay. –Jennifer B.

Maybe if I would have flirted with the clockmaker he would have dumped the gorgeous thin babe and decided to date a fat lump of garbage like me. – Melissa L.

Just the thought of biting into meat suspended in ice-cold Jell-O is ridiculous. If I were a 1950s husband I would surely slap my wife around and demand that she fix me a martini. –Terry M., upon seeing 1950s recipes that included serving meat in Jell-O

For some reason, like, my mind couldn’t make my mouth make words. –Michelle G.

As far as your place goes, I’m sure it’s fine. Anyone who has pets understands that certain smells are unavoidable at times. Not that it should smell like a stable, but things happen. –Shawn S., trying to console me when I moaned about my spraying cat

Well, I gotta go pretend to get some work done. Actually I am going to eat pudding and stare into space. –Melissa L., signing off an email

Well, I am going to go daydream about the love and affection I’ll never find. Talk to you later! –ditto

Well, gotta get back to staring into space and mentally berating myself. –ditto

All right, well, I am going to go spew my filth and hatred around the office. Talk to you later! –ditto

Fuck them for not giving you the giant raise you deserve, but I’m glad that you are earning 30Gs. Do you remember when earning 30 a year seemed like a really great salary that you wanted so badly, and now it’s just a matter of survival? –ditto

Can you imagine the two of us hitting the casinos and the 99-cent steak smorgasbords? (I wonder which side of you would win out at a 99-cent steak buffet—the penny-pincher or the vegetarian?) –Melissa L., when we thought about going to Vegas together

He was a real uncontrollable mess by the end of the night. It was a night of magic. –Melissa L., re: dealing with a drunken friend

My friend Stacey and I, we used to beat him up in the [junior high] cafeteria. And this one time she pounded his head repeatedly against a pillar, until his entire head was red and his ear was, like, sticking straight out. And I just remember how funny I thought that was. To this day, I still remember the look on his face. He was all red…it was just so funny. –Terry M.

School is such a dysfunctional, fucked-up microcosm. –Melissa L.

I replied, “I can bench my own weight” and he said, “If I could, that would really be a feat.” So I said to myself, “No shit, you fat fuck,” but I really said, “Yeah!” Let Ginger Spice be the Goodwill Ambassador, not me. –David B.

That’s what husbands are for—money and sex, sometimes company. As long as they are kind of good-looking, hygienic, rich, and don’t do heroin, I’ll marry. –ditto

Everyone seems to think I have important things to talk about or that I am a sympathetic listener. Neither. I just want to email friends. –Angela W.

I just had a thought that [she] is in England getting laid right now. I’m kind of jealous and repulsed at the same time. –Michelle G.

I don’t think you have Asperger’s. I think you’re just weird. –Melissa L., when I fretted that my social ineptness stems from Asperger’s syndrome

I think that the 7-11 shirt is an awes idea, and very pre-bop, post-fusion, neo-funk. But listen, you have to make sure that you wear other extremely trendy things with it. I don’t want this to turn into a situation where you see someone and can’t tell if they’re really trendy, or retarded. I love when that happens. When someone tries really hard to be trendy, but misses one element somewhere, and it honestly can’t be discerned whether or not they are hip or “slow.” Not that I think you could ever look retarded. You might look like a “refugee,” but you wouldn’t look retarded. –Melissa L., when I pondered buying a secondhand 7-11 uniform shirt in an attempt to look pseudo-trendy

Well, if you ask me, I think that Toni and Phil are worth having as in-laws to marry a piece of ass like Justin Hubbard. –Melissa L., when I said that I didn’t think I could ever marry Heather’s brother because of their parents

… there is a wrist-slitting scene…Pretty graphic scene and I think you would like it, Jen. –Angela W.

The guys’ bathrooms were horrid. There was one bathroom in the school that had a stall with a door on it, so everyone tried to use that one. The rest were just nightmarish, no tp, no soap, smells, some looked like they had been used by farm animals. And the graffitti was truly amazing. Being an art student, all I wanted to do was correct the pathetic attempts at anatomical renderings. –Shawn S.

What kind of damage would a person have to have suffered in their life for them to look at this as a good alternative? –ditto, re: Westboro Baptist Church

She is a fucking retard. She is a fucking retarded asshole. –Melissa L.

Me: Help me! Help me!
Terry M.: Help you what, bitch?
Me: Help me get your thing in me!
–from one of the nonsensical animated Spiderman movies Terry and I made on his computer

[as one of the characters is set afire]: Help!!! I’m drowning! –me, in that same Spiderman movie

Those chicks were DOGS!!! I mean, real fucking bow-wows. –Melissa L.

You are an EXTREMELY talented crazed woman!!!! –Jill S., upon reading an article I wrote

Just the thought of giving blood every again makes me queasy—well, if I was fat, I’d be all over it—“Take some more blood out of my ass and stomach!” –David B.

I like Delaware but I think I am becoming old before my time. –Melissa L.

I don’t have your current address since your place got flattened by the tornado in September. –Stuart M. (I loved the hyperbole!)

Everyday will be a Saturday for me; I brought some books to read, I have my passport, traveler’s checks, tickets, and scented lubes. –David B., preparing for his trip to Germany

You can see your WHOLE…THING! –Michelle G.’s sputtered reaction when she saw the photocopy I accidentally made when I sat bare-assed on a copy machine

He looks misshapen. …He is practically corpulent. Major yuck. –Melissa L., upon seeing a recent photo of one of our high school classmates

I want Charlie to get so horny that he hammers nails into his cock, pours Coca-Cola on it, and lets rats devour it. –Terry M.

This house fucking smells like...cigarettes, BO, lingering bad breath, and gay sex. –Melissa L.

I can pig out on occasion, but if I had to try to keep up with them on a daily basis, my stomach would rupture. –Angela W.

Had the trots yesterday from eating a radish and could not drink any Cuervo. –Mark B., in an email from Mexico

Don’t frown, ’cuz I know you hate to move… –Antoinette R., after telling me she wants her bridesmaids to work out a gym for her bachelorette party (she knows I’m a total sloth)

For some reason, even though I am afflicted with it to the point of not being able to function normally, I think OCD is the funniest goddamn thing. –Melissa L.

Guess what??? I am wearing my Angles tank top today underneath my sweater!! Sshhh! It’ll be our lil’ secret. –David B.

I really hope I don’t get so hyper that I have to bury my face in a pillow so Doppie and Vig will not be awakened by my screaming and parroting. –Terry M.

That might work, but I was hoping for a better lie from you, Jen Boyer!!! –Angela W. (my friends think so highly of me! J)

I can’t express how much I really genuinely hope I don’t wind up on psychoexgirlfriend.com one day, although I think that for us, it is inevitable. –Melissa L.

Look fuckers—QUIT IT! –Stuart M., to the obnoxious girls who were throwing spitballs in his hair during an international culture fair we were attending

What a fine life I’ve made for myself; I’m sitting here in dirty panties, not having gotten a bath all weekend, drinking warm birch beer that is starting to taste like licorice, feeling the rumblings of the shits starting, wondering if I should watch a porno... oh well, at least I still believe in romance. –anonymous

Well, how’s this for fucking miserable: it’s 2:39am on a Saturday night, I am completely alone, sitting here emailing and watching a porno, lacking the energy and too apathetic to even masturbate. –anonymous

Don’t you love how you and I sit around and think about ways to torture each other’s obsessions? I think that is a sign of true friendship if there ever was one. –anonymous

Maybe other people aren’t like us; they won’t sit around for years and wait for the person they like to ask them out … –Melissa L.

I guess I better go slap some makeup on this lump of chopped-up hamburger I call a face. –ditto

Do you think I am disgusting, fat, and sickening? [from] your friend, the useless piece of fat shit ... –ditto

Let me know when you’re gonna come, so I don’t puke. –Michelle G.

I always knew we had a lot in common (me and God that is). –Terry M., after reading an Onion article about God being diagnosed as manic-depressive

I’m of the mind that all men are ASSHOLES; even if they are nice assholes, they cannot escape the fact because they have penises and just having a penis is enough to make one an asshole for life. –Laura K.

I have a thousand things to do and now on top of that Doppie wants me to mow the lawn. I’m not even sure I know how to do that. I just know it’s going to be a disaster. –Terry Mumma, bemoaning life while his father had a post-surgical eight-week recovery

Anyway, he needs at least eight weeks of good drugs and no work and now we can’t order him around. Life is chaos with Doppie out of commission; we ran out of Diet Coke and ice three times since. That’s just wrong. –ditto

I used to walk that [route] every day, sometimes a few times a day when Stacy lived there, and now it just seemed like a never-ending corridor of cookie cutter houses spiked with creepy construction workers. –Terry M., on walking through his neighborhood

That is such a fun side job and further reinforces the notion that we are misfits. Only misfits become lab study guinea pigs as their second job. I am proud of you. –Melissa L., when I told her I wanted to become a clinical trial participant at NIH to earn extra money

Those deadbeats got their phone shut off. They have no bills, but they managed to get their phone shut off. I hope pulling the lever at those slots is worth not being able to call 911 if someone breaks into your house to slaughter you. –Melissa L.

I was depressed to hear about Mr. Belvedere. But not nearly as depressed as I am about the lack of Chandra Levy news lately. I’m not ready to give it up, why is the news media? –ditto

Why buy the tux when you can rent it? –David B.’s view of relationships vs. one night stands

… he can be quite a malicious old cracker … –David B., on his father

One more thing. Horses born during Whitsuntide (the week after and including Whitsunday [your birthday]) will be insane and surely kill somebody in this lifetime. Also Whitsuntide is considered the most unlucky time of the year. More happy thoughts to add to the story of your birth! –Terry M., sending me some birthday cheer

I cannot wait to read the gay erotica [you gave me] on the El; not only will everybody know what I am reading, but I will more than likely have a boner and nobody would want to sit next to me. –David B.

For some reason all day today, I kept thinking of this time in like fifth grade when Jess Seguinot said to me, “You wouldn’t be so bad if you lost weight and cleaned your face up a bit.” Isn’t that awful!! I kept thinking of that and laughing and laughing and laughing. I wish at the time I would have had the capacity to say, “And you wouldn’t be so bad if you weren’t a Jehovah’s Witness whose parents have 52 children because of their archaic religious beliefs so you have no money and have to live in filth.” How, even in fifth grade, would you not have the social skills to know not to say that? –Melissa L.

I hate that fat prick so much I could kill him myself. I hope that smarmy fat son of a bitch drops dead from alcohol and pot poisoning. –ditto

You are just so clever with the computer. –Susan B., after I simply sent her a link over email (my action did not strike me as being particularly clever!)

I thought this said “Euthanasia—the ultimate adventure”! –Susan B., misreading a TV listing

They better get the power back on. I don’t want to get looted! –Kristen B., afraid of the people in our ghetto apartment complex during a power outage

Cleo, you look retarded. –Susan B., chiding the cat

Cleo, you can’t be so damn delicate! –Susan B., when Cleo took too long to eat the table scraps we gave her

Isn’t anything safe from your meat hooks?! –Susan B., exasperated with my kittens

We are more, shall I say, well-adjusted than people like the Gump and [her]. Settling is in their future, not ours. –Angela W., in response to my worry that I’ll have to settle for a crappy husband someday

HEY! My Uncle Mark is retarded and I think if he could talk he would be offended by being lumped up with the likes of [her] … –Angela W.

They are both dumb, virgins, ugly, and have funky teeth. They should open a sterilization colony facility and the first experiment should be on each other! –David B.

Let me be the olive in the martini,
Let me be the fun in dysfunctional,
Let me be all the wiser from Budweiser,
Let me be asleep.
Oh, wait I am at work, right?
–David B.

I suspect that I am still asleep and do not notice it yet, because my life is a nightmarish dream. –ditto

My commute for me is very much like the Holocaust—the flock in which everybody moves to and from train to train to train to office building, especially in the morning which is usually cold, muggy, with people just standing in the dim gray-lit stations and on the platforms waiting, waiting, and waiting; some try to make conversation with others, some smoke, some read the paper, then once the train comes they (we) are herded like cattle to the slaughterhouse, knowing full well what lies ahead. –ditto

Sunlight sucks. –Shawn S.

I wanna be dead. If I was dead, everything would be better. I wouldn’t look like this. I wouldn’t feel like this. –Melissa L.

How can anyone expect you to remember anything when you are jumping out of a plane 10,000 feet in the air with some hot dude strapped to your back??? –Angela W., on my skydiving experience

I’m glad you had fun even though you were out of control and possibly might have died. –Terry M., on my tailspinning while skydiving

Food is the only friend you’ll ever need. –Terry M.

We ate so much, we made ourselves sick. And then we ate some more. –Melissa L.

Missy likes this really creepy kid named Shawn and she keeps talking about him and he’s this little wimpy dude and if you met him, you’d think he was really strange. –Jenn Heller, on a tape made at Gates’s 16th birthday party

Sex before marriage is a very bad thing, because I am holy and I am pure. –Melissa L., on that same tape

I’m not a narcissist; I gave you an English muffin. –Terry M.

You look like a fucking stupid clown. –Terry M. to Laura K.

Well, someone’s going to suck my dick before this night is through! –Joel S.

Rosie the Riveter don’t need no man! –Heather H. and Jennifer B.’s senior year war cry

You’re not just stupid—you’re STOOPID! –Melissa L.

blood…everywhere…puddles of it on the floor
from my wrists, my eyes, my brain
I’m dancing in the blood and it splatters on the wall
the piano tinkers in the background
(collapses) I’M TIRED OF DANCING!!!
–Heather H.’s Isca profile during sophomore year

If you love me, why do you condemn me? –Heather H.

Don’t ever flip off big black men in expensive cars—that can only mean one thing: mafia or drug cartel. –Michelle F.

All right, I got blew once. –Jason P.

Oh, why don’t you go down on me for a bit? –ditto

It’s a lot better once it’s blowed up. –ditto

Can I touch your nipples? Oh, I mean nips. –ditto

Do you want it? –ditto (during sex)

Jerk me off right now! –ditto

I’m glad I got to met yous guys. –ditto

Dinner’s ready! –Terry M., while thrusting his crotch

Can someone, like, beat this for me? –Terry M. (referring to an egg, but it sounded perverse!)

Del sol! –Joel S.’s war cry

Did you knew that we leaved? –Terry M.

Roll over, bitch, I need some anus. –Joel S.

How should I know? I ain’t gay! –Melissa L.’s response to the question “Who do you think is the prettiest girl in school?” in Foster’s 7th grade slam book

The real landmark of love is the penis. –Terry M., after hearing someone call the Eiffel Tower the landmark of love

Oh, I don’t know if I want ice cream. I just had a sticky bun. –Jason P.

Okay, well gimme a call when you get home so we can like “hey man” and hang out, okay? –Jason P.

I’m ready for round two. –Jason P., after sex

[Biggest fear—] That everything about me is a lie and I may one day find out the truth. –Laura K.

i wish i could tell you how i feel,
why these scars are on my wrists,
why at night i sit alone.
i want to let you know who i am,
to show you my thoughts
and philosophies about life.
i long to be honest
and not hide my real identity.
for social acceptance i must pretend,
cover the scars and make up lies.
i cannot tell you of my deep depression.
i cannot be myself.
i will sit on a step or walk alone,
and only be me when i’m not around you.
–Heather H.

He doesn’t look a damn thing like Dan. –Melissa L., who constantly had to remind me that not everybody in the world looked like Dan

I think they should just throw a bag of gnocchi up in the air; it would fill up the hole. –my solution to ozone depletion

Kill everyone who’s hungry. –Melissa L.’s solution to world hunger

Did you know that there is a man named Shawn S–– who is more gorgeous than you can ever imagine? I mean, this guy Shawn, he is just, like, the most sexy thing, the most gorgeous thing that has ever been created. –Melissa L. [before]

I just got dumped by the geekiest fucking asshole on Earth!!! –Melissa L. [after]

EVERYBODY wants to be Joan Crawford. –Terry M., as Joan Crawford, in Who’s Who in Mental Illness

Sure, I am captain of my soul. But where the hell is my boat going? –JB, from a journal entry

I work 27 hours a day in a machine shop … –Melissa L.r’s alter ego’s main complaint

Bah bah black sheep, have you any wool?
No, no, white sheep, stop oppressing me.
–rhyme by Melissa L. and Jennifer B., sung at a CAUSE meeting

FUCK!!! I gotta EAT!!! –Melissa L.

You know, self-hatred is a heavy cross to bear. Maybe that’s why so many people end up crucifying themselves upon it. –JB

Just fight to the death, ladies. –Melissa L.’s advice to Michelle G. and Heather H., before they were scheduled to fight at my 19th birthday party

he accused me of thinking i’m the
antichrist. he never saw the stigmata
on my wrists, hurting like a dark religion
all their own.
–JB, from an untitled poem

If you don’t stop laughing, I’m going to have to kill you! –Terry M., in Who’s Who in Mental Illness

A bear is nothing but a big, furry butt. –Michelle G., in ZooAmerica

I don’t like to make sense. –Terry M.

Sitting on the high throne of life, lovin’; love it so much like a studly woman! –Terry M., singing in Who’s Who in Mental Illness

Hey now yous kids these days, that’s all you think—you think that we don’t know what’s good for you, but, but you do. –Melissa L., making no sense in Houseguest

So much—so very immensely in love. I just can’t believe it—I’m overwhelmed. –Terry M.’s character in Houseguest, when asked by his wife how much they were in love

Looking past and around
the lifeless grove
keeping in the smoking ring
there are two links
links that are rusty, but still bound
quickening from root to bough
the locks are weak and pale
and in the vast and stormy clouds above
lie the oozing gaps scratched by the groping branch tips
sharp as knives screeching across the
chalky, musty depths of my being
twisted tree shape
piercing the soul
and shattering the stained glass windows
of my desperate, tired eyes
god tinkers with life
peaches drop from between my
low to the ground
the earth quakes, you are gone
concealed behind rough bark and rough hands
stop this feeling and finish with me.
–round-robin poem composed by Michelle G., Laura K., and Jorge R. in London in January 1995 [note: a second round-robin poem was composed in London a year later, in January 1996, by Jorge Rosas, Annida Christofi, Isabelle Chenaud, and myself, and that is in the Goldsmiths section of this page]


Friends Met through Work (Former and Current),
Coworkers, Honorary Coworkers


That’s a serial killer-y smile…a Dexter-y smile…that’s an HR issue smile. –Melanie M., commenting on a coworker’s smile in the staff photo directory

As much of a loser I am, at least I’m not a serial killer. –Julie F., on the bar she sets for herself

What a mess we are! We are just a disaster area! –LM

Coworker: I’m in hiding.
Me: Why?
Coworker: Because everybody here is fucking crazy!

Coworker #1: I have a question to ask you.
Coworker #2: Does it have to do with how you’re going to shoot me?
–during a stressful day at work

I don’t care if they eat, but have a little goddamn dignity. –Chris D., re: the piggish eaters he encounters when commuting on the DC Metro every day

This place is still the third ring of Hell—you should know that. –anonymous, when I applied for a new job at my old company

[I refuse] to allow a psychotic gunman to inspire me to hug my loved ones more or be kinder to strangers than I already try to be. I understand the shock and the grief. And of the reactions to have, those are absolutely the best ones. But we should do those things anyway, on every normal boring day. And I always feel (I hate that we’ve had enough of these effing things that I can say “I always feel”) some unease that it seems to take heinous acts of violence to bring out our best selves. I want to try to be that best self even when it doesn't seem desperately necessary. Be kind. Be loving. Be reasonable. Do it over and over again. –MC Allan

We’re the most ridiculous species on earth. –Julie F.

So do you believe in doppelgangers, Jen? Because I almost called out to yours at lunch. The thing that stopped me is that I realized it in no way could be you because she was jogging. –Debbie S.

You know, looking at Italians’ fridges is almost like porn to me. –ditto

Fried dough—one of the finer things in life!! –ditto

I’ve long given up any hope of happiness—I simply drink to dull my misery. And eventually even the protons will decay. –Mike B.

Dude, anything nihilistic, I’m digging. –ditto

You have to remember that the universe is a place of unimaginable violence, beyond our ability to comprehend, where stars rip the hearts out of other stars. –Mike B., after Julie F. accused him and me of being hardened cynics

The universe is a cold and meaningless place. –Mike B, interrupting himself in the middle of discussing a project with Angela M.

If my wish comes true and western civilization falls... –Mike B.

I’ll piss on the grave of western civilization. –ditto

If you’re the sunniest person we’ve got, we’d better start calling ourselves the Hemlock Department. –Mike B., to Julie F.

Where’d he come from? The third ring of Hell or what? –Barbara B., when told that one of our new division directors came from a place worse than our office

Man, I feel like I’ve done my time in Hell today. –Carolinda H., on Monday in our office

Tomorrow’s the day I will cry all day. –Cody M., thinking ahead to his next day in our office

We’re just surrounded by mediocrity. –Debbie S.

I’ve got to go upstairs for my weekly dose of idiocy. –anonymous, before a meeting

I’m going upstairs to get my weekly dose of backstabbing. –ditto

Bush must’ve been declared the winner. –Lynda T., when, during the 2000 election, the weather suddenly changed from pristine and sunny to ominously dark and stormy

Are we a class act or what? –Barbara B., when she removed her name tag (affixed with only Scotch tape) from the wall outside her office and a chunk of wall came off with it

Life is like a dead black flower. –Betsy C., illustrating the type of sayings that would be found on a calendar I’d produce if I were Mary Englebreit

So, I guess I’m going to the mall. Sniper or no sniper, I need a bra, damnit! –Skevy L., during the 2002 sniper killing spree

Yeah, eager people are annoying, although [this office] tends to suck that out of people rather quickly. She will soon be like the rest of us: tired, depressed, and angry. –Chris B.

I’m dead on the inside. –Cody M., upon returning to a management training session after a short break

Debbie S.: Don’t make faces at me, Carolinda!
Carolinda H.: That was a smile!

Holy fucking shit!! No way!! Your house was hit by a tornado and you are organizing a bean bag toss?!?!? –Debbie S., after I told her that I had to create a bean bag toss game for an office party the day after my house was hit and severely damaged by a tornado

It’s good to know though that you are spreading your very special brand of sunshine where it is appreciated. –Lynda T., after I received an employee award [NB: my special brand of sunshine involves raging misanthropy, pessimism, and cynicism]

John S.: Chickens are nasty!
Betsy C.: Some of those lambs are nasty, too.
John: I’ve never seen a nasty lamb! Ask Mary!
–puzzling conversation overheard in my department one day

Just stuff. Stuff stuff stuff. Lots of stuff. –Janet M., when asked what is going on in our section on the department

I like your watch, Jean. Things aren’t so bad when you miss them completely. –Vicki H., when someone commented that her watch stopped working at the Annual Meeting

Good die or bad die? –Frank B., after Betsy C. told him she had to show him something that was going to make him die

All right, at some point I have to stop eating. –Betsy C., muttering to herself after dipping into our boss’s candy dish one too many times

Why do people even bother giving cards to Accounting? It’s not like anyone knows them anyway! –Eduardo N., after my farewell card disappeared in the Accounting Department as it circulated for signatures.

You are truly insane—I meant that in the nicest possible way. –Jim H., to me

The guys who are attracted to me are always at death’s door. –Carol B.

He doesn’t drink, so I can’t trust a word he says. –Mike B.

I’m married—I’m used to being beaten up. –ditto

I’m married—I’m used to women being rude to me. –ditto

Beth, as a married man, you’re going to have to use sharper digs than that to get to me. –Mike B., after Beth M. insulted him

There better be some kind of pig product in there! –Debbie S., when I asked her what she thought we were getting for a staff breakfast

You know me: if it comes from a pig, I’ll eat it! –Debbie S.

I’m not paranoid—I’m right. There’s a difference. –Laurie M.

Wow, it’s like research prostitution! And it’s right next door! –Skevy L., thrilled when I told her about NIH clinical trials

At this rate, he’s bound to get shot within the year. Can you imagine so many people hating you?? At least it makes for good comedy for the next four years! –Skevy L., on Dubya

I don’t want anybody to write my biography because my life is so horrific. –Susan W.

What was the matter with him? Didn’t he notice my gray, balding scalp? –Susan W., when told that our waiter had been flirting with her

Donate the money? I’m gonna donate it to my bank account! –Mike B., when Julie F. suggested that he sell his old washer and dryer on Craigslist and donate the money to charity

I should have left a long time ago. This place is crazy. These people are nuts. –Susan W., after a long week at our office

Some of these Christian stations are scary. He’s Alive, He’sAlive.net. It’s like a horror movie. –Martin M.

I only run if someone’s chasing me. –Cathy S., when asked if she was going out running

I always thought it would be nice to have a guy who’s gone to sea for half the year. –Julie F., on the benefits of dating Naval men

Knife fights, gunplay, baseball bats. –Mike B. to Beth M., on what would be involved if one of them served as manager for the other

I thought I could make do with the minimum. But it was never enough! –Debbie S., showing the desperately addictive qualities of Flickr

So, aside from thoughts of hijackings and death, are you excited about your trip?! –Skevy L., before my trip to Scotland

Oh, stop calling me, whoever you are. Stop it! Leave me alone! –Carolinda Hales, to her ringing phone

We did the rosary stuff and all that shit. –Barbara B., neatly summarizing her Catholic upbringing

JennyB, who cares about your eyes in the first photo? ’Cause your hair looks bitchin’. It’s like wild-woman fuck-me-now hair! –Shereen M., after seeing the resulting photos after I scanned my head

Your taste is all across the board! –Susan W., shocked at my wide array of dorky celebrity crushes

I can do that for you, Mike. I’ve got a rusty dull Exacto. –Beth M., when she found out Mike B. had to get a mole removed

My greatness is just unappreciated by you. –Cynthia H.

The planets have aligned, not in my favor. –Mike M.

God, you’re in big trouble if you need me for anything. –Carolinda H., notoriously computer-unsavvy, when paged by one of our IT guys

Insanity is creative, that’s for sure. –Carol B.

Jennifer, you look completely nonplussed. You look disgusted. –Rob B., upon seeing me in my cubicle first thing on Monday morning

Amazing...everyone in Olney is reading about their elderly parents, their kids’ upbringing, dog training, and cake! We are so sheltered, huh?! –Skevy L., after I introduced her to looking at the wonderful world of amazon.com purchase circles

I desperately want to stick my head in a vat of fudge! I’m chocolate deprived!!! –Skevy L.

Dr. G. to Mike B.: I left something for you on your desk.
Paula J.: I hope it’s not duck poop!
Carol B.: That’s pretty random, Paula.
–conversation in our weekly dept. meeting

I enjoy punching things. And kicking things. –Sara M.

Do you know how much duct tape we’d have to use to cover all the drafts in our house? We’d have to have stock in the duct tape company. –Beth M., on the government’s urging of people to put duct tape and plastic sheeting on their windows and doors

Manners are overrated. –Heidi H., relieved that the employee newsletter staff planned to ditch the Ms. Manners column

Jeez, all the opportunities we miss because of our insane workload. –Carol B., lamenting the way pesky work interferes with our lives

I’m sorry, you must have mistaken me for someone who’s healthy. –Missy Clifft

Her haircut is really unfortunate. –Hannah D., regarding a coworker’s hairstyle

I don’t even believe in god and I was praying last night. It’s pathetic. –Debbie S., after her favorite hockey team lost a game

If they get their hands on the booze, it’s bedlam. –Dawn R., on the residents of Yellowknife

I want to see death and damnation. –Cody M., disappointed that an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer aired with no killings

Are these people insane or what? –Lynda T., on my former employer, who became her printer

Liz frightens me. –Frank B., on my ex-supervisor

We need watermelon and beer. –Nina H., when our office was stifling hot

I’m constantly in search of the little woman. –Theresa W., when she couldn’t find Barbara B.

I don’t give a crap where it fits into this little doodah. –Betsy C., on having to squeeze her widespread job duties into the rigid confines of an SOP

I knew it was too serious to be related to work. –Cody M., after hearing Debbie S.’s howl of despair (the agony was caused by bad sports news, not a computer crash)

If they’re not eating, they’ll stop shitting. –Laurie M.’s rationale for removing the bird feeder from her yard

Goddamn we sure made things screwed up. –Leane Z., on our quality committee.

I’ll do it; it makes me pay attention. –Angela B., volunteering to take notes at our quality committee meeting

All I know is that underneath that great writing ability lies a weak, lily-livered, cheap, easy-way-out idiot. Pa-thetic. –Debbie S.

I’m impressed. What a dog and pony show that was. –Janet M., after her computer was upgraded

Man, little people can run. –Debbie W.S., upon seeing our coworker’s son racing through our office halls

Summer is just way too short. We need to add, like, a month to summer. –Debbie S.

You’ve got that heater on—it’s going to cook your feet. Smells just like chicken! –Debbie S. to Cody M., regarding the portable heater in his cubicle

It’s not a freak of nature—it’s a freak of manufacture. –Cody M., on cherry 7-UP and green ketchup

An aching heart is one that’s working overtime and inefficiently. –Carolinda H.

Let ’em burn, because I’m out of here. –Nikki B., when asked what she would do with her department’s files if our office burned down.

Here you can almost smell the stupidity in the air, that’s how bad it is. –Chris C., on the mentality of our hometown

Weekends were made for Michelob. –Steve M.

I can’t keep it straight, all those Christian religions. –Andy N.

That redbeet egg is just vile. –ditto, preaching the virtues of pickled eggs over redbeet eggs


Friends Met Abroad and People in Their Lives


You’re a fucking pretty whore, you know that? –Annida C., after seeing photos of me dressed as a Soviet whore for Halloween

Trying to be romantic, I thought I’d send him a message in French saying what I thought was “I will always love you” (cheesy I know) but got a message back from him saying “Did you really mean this—‘I will never love you?’” Oh dear. Much apologising was the order of that day. –Richard H., on the difficulty of foreign languages

I guess the most outrageous situation was when I saw The Most Desired Man, when an Australian guy [sitting] in front of me offered me some chocolate and we ended up having sex in the toilets—not at that cinema, but at another one further down the road. –Richard H.

I’m going to, um, get up and clean the hairball up...wow...that dazzled me. –Annida C., after her cat spit up a particularly large hairball

Oh, look who’s talking, Mr. Spell-Check-Everything-Correctly-Wrong! –Annida C., to Jorge R. (a notoriously bad speller), after he criticized another guy’s spelling mistake

She’s taking it like a real trooper! Don’t hurt my friend anymore! She’s made of wax, not stone! –from Annida C.’s inexplicable Christmas card to my boyf

When I went to see [Independence Day] at the cinema here, everyone laughed so hard at the whole idea of the US President single handedly saving the world. Can you imagine Dubya being able to do that? –Richard H.

Who the fuck does Jools Holland think he fucking is?! –Annida C.’s puzzling outburst, after I asked her if she thought Jools Holland would be at our local pub that night

Being single is sometimes best, don’t you agree? That way you can seriously fuck men’s brains out and say afterwards, “Oh no, it wasn’t serious” and give them a wonderful feeling of self-worth. –Richard H.

I decided I don’t believe in love. It’s such a stupid fucking thing. –Camilla S., one morning at breakfast

Where you live, Annida—in the jungle?? –Emanuella D., disgusted at Annida C.’s tales of cockroaches in Greece

Once again, Jen, you are beating yourself to the point of which your life is just one sore cut-up piece of flesh lying on the cold slab of life waiting for the pricks, the prongs, and the eyes of it all. –Jorge R.

Maybe it’s her intelligence bursting out! –Isabelle C.’s theory on why I had a lump on my temple

She is appalling. She is a female Satan. –Alex Mullane, on Bitch O’Grady

Quick, Jen! Hold your breath and count to ten backwards from twenty! –Jorge R.’s inexplicable advice on how to cure my hiccups

Stupid woman. –muttered by a Rac Mac cleaning lady, after Bitch O’Grady yelled at her to do something

Wow, that’s nice. –Jorge R.’s spacey reply, when told that Sina S.’s first memory was of lying under a table while bombs crashed around his house in the Middle East

I’ve been such a potato today… –Annida C., on being a sloth

Shit, man, I can’t believe the things that are happening …even my own bicycle refuses to carry me. –ditto

Hey…can you imagine a huge lardass on a bike? Hey! That’s me! –ditto

I’m going stir crazy, and I think I’m going to be the first opera singer with a huge mental disability. –ditto

I’ve become such a slob, you probably won’t even recognize me! I’m a pig of great proportions, and stuff…but I don’t care! –ditto

I like to eat Wild Boar…that’s when you know you’ve finally become a fat slob—when you enjoy eating Wild Boar. I’m destined to a life of fatness. –ditto

New Year Rapesody
[A round-robin poem composed by Annida C., myself, Jorge R., and Isabelle C. in a Rac Mac kitchen on January 1, 1996]

Shut up, you make me sick
And the fog is heavy on the river
But we have a long trip ahead
And rabbits can’t fly but they can bite
Vulgar children throw up on the pavement
Leaving me with my blood, sticky on my hands, and I ache
I don’t ache pain, but joy for their simple misery
Can’t you hear desperate cries amidst the howling wind gales
The wind blows flailing the fog to the city
“If you had 99p,” it whispers suggestively, “you could buy my oblivion.”
But who needs oblivion when we have life
Who wants a cheap life when death offers endless better being
The truth hurts; can you believe that?
But death doesn’t hurt, it doesn’t sting or scar
It caresses and pats you on the back
It is the most unique feeling ever experienced in life, some communion with Nature
Utopian death calls us all for that matter
I’m afraid no one’s there to answer the phone
But leave a message and they’ll get back to you
“I hate you but let’s have sex,” says some voice on the phone.
“I’ll rip your eyes out with my Instant Hot Chocolate Drink.”
I’ll cut off your fingernails with rusty nails
And you’ll have nothing left to do, but clean yourself up
Beware, though, a pair of eyes is watching in the middle of a blood puddle
It all dries up.

You realize that if I have a kid I’d have to punish the father severely during the pregnancy, and the birth. Like at the birth, when the head finally pops out, I would pull a gun from under my pillow and shoot him in the balls just to make sure he never came near me with that thing again. –Annida C.

FUCK OFF, there’s nothing nice about summer. Except the ice cream. –Annida C.

Jen, you’re such a cripple! –Lucy C., when I couldn’t figure out how to get Annida’s pen to work

What’s an attractive bin like you doing in a place like this? –Neil S., to a Lewisham Council bin

Stop saying “aye”! –Steve Martland, to James B.

Snails are not fucking innocent. They’re fucking fornicating every day, and they can fuck anybody! –Isabelle C.

It would be easier if you took your knickers off. –Jon L., trying to seduce Annida C.

That’s not true—his world stops. –Deborah M.’s cold response to the lyric “without me, his world will go on turning”

Move it, Graaaaanny! –James B., to a slow-moving Annida C.

Come on, Grandad! –ditto

I don’t know, I mean…I have been pretty lucky in my life; I have always had food and clothing, a home and good parents. But what’s the point, ya know? –James B.

Go and get juice from the bloody garage, you dick! –Faye P., after Jorge R. drank the last of Annida’s blackcurrant juice

Marriage is a 3-ringed circle. First you have the engagement ring, then you have the wedding ring, then you have the suffering. –Silvia M.

You still eat these? –Min Y., while examining my birth control pills

Oh yeah yeah yeah… –Min Y.’s favorite expression (after “you know”)

Annida C.: You should adopt an animal.
Silvia M.: I have a brother!

I think that Freud was a bit of an asshole. –Deborah M., spontaneously during dinner

I’d rather be a sexual dynamo! –James B.

But anyway…Björk’s nipples! –ditto

Struggle, fail, try again, fail, try new things, fail—I won’t let you win! –ditto

If we were all dead, this planet would be worth living on. –ditto

I don’t care for nothingness; the world should be blown up, baby! –ditto

I must not adapt to English; English must adapt to me! –Stephanos Dianellos

On your knees, bitch! *slap*
I am not an animal; I am a human being!
–Annida C. and Jennifer B.’s nightly Rac Mac pre-dinner performance

Go lie down and get a headache. –Annida C.

He does give a fuck; that’s his main aim in life. –Faye P. on her ex-boyfriend, Alistair J., when someone commented that Alistair didn’t give a fuck

Meet an empty space,
it wasn’t empty in the beginning,
but it is burned for so long,
that its contents
have long been extinguished.
All that are left are the scars
from the burning
with the odd flick of fire
from time to time
to make sure the contents can’t grow again…
–James B.

What do you think you’re doing down here in my office, without any clothes on? Now go get some clothes on! –Bitch O’Grady, to Faye P.

Jon B.: It’s going to very uncomfortable playing in orchestra tomorrow.
Bob W.: Jon, I’m a bloody horn player! It’s never comfortable!
–after Bob fell on the pavement

I was the victim. Now I am the victimizer! –Sina S.

There’s no way any man could maintain a boner around her. She’d start screaming and calling you “dear” and you know how temperamental dicks are! You have to treat dicks nicely! –Daniela, on Bitch O’Grady

You forced yourself on me! But I liked it! –Gordon after Sina snogged him

I believe in Karma, man. Believe me, anyone who fucks you around is gonna get triple-fucked by a water buffalo, eventually. –Matt Dyer

In Virginie’s area they put human shit on cars. I hope they put it on her HEAD! –Sara S.

I have no prejudices; let’s leave that for the lower classes. –Sina’s cousin Dana

A person who has a lot of friends doesn’t have any friends; it’s clear. –Sina’s mom

If you can’t beat them, make sure you cut their legs off, otherwise they will continue to be one step ahead of you. –Sarah McMillan

Do you take postage stamps? –Jonathan B., trying to pay for his dinner with Royal Mail stamps in Vesuvios

Come back to my pad—I need a chat. –Jim Dakin

You should really not use a mobile phone, ’cause you’ll get cancer and die, and then you won’t be a songbird anymore. –an anonymous man to Annida Christofi Clark


Other People I Know/Knew/Encountered
(or who were encountered by friends)


Do you mind if I grind on you with my cock a little bit? –a drunken soldier to me at a bar at Fort Indiantown Gap

Don’t be doing that! This is not a whorehouse! –Laura B., when Mike B. tried talking to somebody on the street from the window of their house

Shit, I’ll slip you the hoagie. –Bill Gamble, to Melissa L., when she mentioned wanting to buy a magic love charm

Hey! How about that! Do you want a banana? –an anonymous bum to Charlie Troxel in Atlantic City

I never forget a difficult vein. –an NIH phlebotomist to me when I donated blood (my veins are difficult because they’re small and they roll)

I hate the earth
I hate the world
I’d kill myself if I had the nerve
Lovers’ wounds never mend
Alone until the bitter end
I hate you, God
Fuck you
–Barb Weaver

I say: when you play a New Kids on the Block record backwards—it sounds better. –Professor Seigle’s view of subliminal Satanic messages in rock lyrics

Are we just gonna sit around and pray? –Chris McLoughlin, when asked to go on the freshman retreat by Christy Marshall

What? Are you serious? That is WAY too much meat that doesn’t go together. –our shocked waiter to Michelle Gates in Hard Times Café, after she placed a meaty order

You’re one of the most unusual people I’ve ever met. Not only are you brilliant, devastatingly beautiful, hilariously funny, and superlatively multi-talented, you are also insane … –Barbara Weaver, on the back of her senior picture to me

Please don’t eat my baby. –Rod Oberdick to Michelle Gates, when she was holding his newborn daughter

Everything is twisted if you look at it properly. –John Seigle, my very cool Composition professor

Hold your horses, bitch—it’s Saturday. –Aundria Cummings, when we were being tailgated by some woman

I’m unconscienceable. I have no conscience. I could kill someone and I really wouldn’t care. –Barb Weaver

I think everyone’s insane. I hate everyone. –ditto

Fat chicks are like mopeds—they’re cool to ride until your friends see you on one. –the ever-politically correct Tom Small

Men suck. –DB

Sometimes you gotta make yourself do shit, even when you don’t want to. –ditto

I was a bit of a pyromaniac when I was a kid. –Dr. Connolly, my Earth Science professor

You gotta be a little sick to be a Comm[unications] major. –Dr. Solomon, one of my media professors

I have a very weird, sick sense of humor. I laugh at all kinds of weird things. –ditto

There comes a time in your life when you’re not up to the mosh pit. –Dr. Clarke, my Editing professor, who was quite old

After a while I thought to myself: “Damn, people think I’m lame.” –Chuck Kurpis, a student in my Editing class, after realizing that he accidentally wore green on St. Patrick’s Day

He’s got fingers like ET—holy shit. –another student in that class, after seeing a picture of Ronald Reagan

There’s a whole reality inside ourselves that most people have never seen. –Father Hamernick, my Human Communications professor

Darling, he said, it’s like this: you live, I die; you die, I live, but I’ve already killed you once, in the bloodstained room. You remember? When you cried for me and I slapped your face. I was standing next to the trunk, the one with your childhood? I opened it when you opened your wrists. I’ve been dead for years now, but I still drink your blood, consume your flesh, rot in your mind. –Jason Miller, “flowers for the dead”

Are you mad? –Grimace

Four, please. –the rusty-haired pig, mistaking a restaurant patron for a hostess

I’m ALL fired up! –Dennis Barnett

Tomorrow starts strict diet and strict working out so I’ll be thin and beautiful by _____. –Melissa Hoehn (mantra #1)

When all else fails, start a diet. –Melissa Hoehn (mantra #2)

Help me. I need help. Diet starts tomorrow but I’m addicted to food. –Melissa Hoehn

What the hell is a misologue?! –Dennis Barnett’s anguished cry in Ethics class

It seems like the more I know, the more I fear. –Nina Agostine

A lot of good things happen on Earth. I have fun here. That’s all that matters. –Dennis Barnett, in Ethics class

Fuck them. You can’t let people like that get you down. –Paul Borian

Yeah, I remember her. Cool. –DB, on the subject of me (man, was I thrilled when he said that!)

We can be devoured by our own interior poisons. –Professor Benestad, my Theology II professor

Dude, that was the funniest damn thing I think I’ve ever seen in my life. This lesson’s on me. –allegedly said by DB’s 8th grade piano teacher, when Dan drooled on the keyboard during a lesson

If you can’t laugh at yourself, make fun of other people. –SP